My Dearest Clairisa,

Tomorrow is the day. The day that I was supposed to be in labor with you, my last beautiful baby girl. It was a day that was supposed to be absolutely perfect. Instead, tomorrow will be a day filled with emptiness, loneliness, tears, and sorrow. A day where my empty arms will hang in agony and a day where my broken heart will seem to shatter all over again. Losing you has been one of the hardest experiences of my life because it has made me feel one of the most intense and paralyzing pains of mortality...the pain of losing a child, a baby, a perfect gift from God above. This experience has also been one that has brought me more purpose and motivation, a greater love for those around me, and a clearer understanding and recognition of my Heavenly Father, my Savior Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost.

I feel such a greater urgency to fortify our family and to strengthen your sisters. We all want to be with you again, and that means that we must be more diligent, faithful, and steadfast. I do not understand God's purpose for all things, but what I do know is that there is a plan and a purpose for each of us in our family and your short little life has given us a glimpse of eternity, a glimpse of Deity, a glimpse of what we must become, and a glimpse of all that we must do to fulfill such divine roles.

One of those glimpses came when I came home from the hospital without you. As horrible and heart-wrenching as that experience was, it was also one of the most precious and sacred experiences that I have ever had. When your Daddy laid his hands on my head to plead with our Father to send comfort and love, I felt as if the powers of heaven were sent down to strengthen me during a time when I wanted to die and to comfort me at a time when I felt lonelier than I have ever felt in my life. In your Grandma Black's car that rainy afternoon, as I was cradled in your Daddy's arms, I felt not only the powers of heaven, but also the love and concern of a Father in heaven who knew that in that moment I needed His love and comfort more than I have ever needed it. During that car ride, I felt the loneliness disappear as I knew with in my soul that my Savior Jesus Christ knew exactly how I felt and that he would never leave me to suffer alone. I also literally felt the Holy Ghost fulfilling His divine role as the Comforter. As Cory's arms were wrapped around my shoulders, the presence of the Spirit was wrapped around my entire body. Clairisa, I don't know if you were there with me as well, but I feel as if you were. The glimpse of divinity that was shown to me that day is one that will forever be etched in my heart.

At your graveside service, your Grandpa Mann said that your life would be the means of creating miracles and healing hearts. Clairisa, I have already seen this happen as I have shared your life and death with those around me. You have touched people's hearts and in so doing you have fulfilled your divine role. The amazing thing is that in the process of touching so many lifes and effecting so many people, the most powerful healing I have witnessed has been within my heart and your Daddy's, and for that my sweet little angel, I will eternally be grateful.

Years ago I began praying for a missionary. Unexpectedly, Clairisa, your life and death has opened the doors to the gospel of Jesus Christ for many and I know that your work as a missionary has only begun. You have changed my life and many others in so many ways. Thank you. Thank you for strengthening our family and giving us greater vision. Thank you for showing us the way to eternity. I love you with all of my heart and soul and I look forward to the day when I will hold you in my arms once again and look into your sweet angelic face and beautiful eyes and feel of your pure, perfect heart. That is the day of my dreams. God be with us both till we meet again!
Love Always and Forever,
Mom