It is so amazing to me how much Clairisa's death has impacted Katelund and Cloey. They continually ask questions about her and about death in general. Here are some of the latest questions they've asked...
Cloey- "Mommy, can't we ride in a space ship to go see our baby?"
Cloey- "Can we buy this dress (we were at Target) and give it to our baby when we see her again?"
Katelund- (she was on the stairs crying when she asked me this question) "Mommy someday when you and Daddy die am I going to be left all alone?"
Katelund- "When will Clairisa be resurrected?"
Cloey- "When can we have our baby back?"
Katelund- (referring to the graveyard where Clairisa is buried) "Are those all babies that have died too?"
Katelund- "When will I die?"
Cloey- "When will Jesus bring our baby back?"
Cloey- (she was looking at a picture that Cory's parents gave us of the Savior holding a baby girl) "Mommy, is that our baby Claire?"
Cloey- "Is our baby with great Grandpa Black?"
We have had so many good conversations about death and resurrection. Recently, I have been a little worried about Katelund though. Her first reaction to Clairisa's death was anger and bad behavior. Then it turned to sadness and now it is just a lot of pondering and questions. This morning Katelund woke me up at about 5 to tell me about her "really good dream". I asked her what it was about and she said that she had dreamed about Jesus. In her dream Jesus came to our home and left a treasure box in our mailbox and then he told her that he will always watch over our family. I don't think that it was a coincidence that she would have had such a dream. I believe that she needed to have that dream to give her the peace and reassurance that she needs to know that everything will be alright.
My sister-in-laws are both about to have their baby girls. As their due dates are approaching, the pain in my heart has become more intense. I am so happy for them and their families, which makes it really hard to hurt at the same time. I know that it is normal for a grieving mother to ache inside when she sees a pregnant woman or a newborn baby, but I don't want to. I want to be happy for all of my millions of friends who are either pregnant right now or who just had their babies. :) Seriously, EVERYONE is pregnant around me. For all of you who are reading this blog and are pregnant (probably almost all of you), I want you to know that I really am happy for you and your families. I am sorry if I don't always comment on your blogs when you show your cute tummies or when you talk about how soon the day is approaching when you will hold your baby in your arms. It is such a mix of emotions, and for that I am truly sorry. I know that I can get past this, but for now please just know that I love you all. As this has been on my mind lately, I actually had a dream the other night that Clairisa was with me. It was the most incredible dream and I woke up so extremely happy and grateful. I consider my dream yet another tender mercy from the Lord.
8 comments:
Aren't you grateful for Gospel perspective that makes it so much easier to answer such questions from your little girls? They're lucky to have a Mom like you. Katelund's dream nearly made my cry. What sweet little girls they must be.
You are so amazing to think of the feelings of others... I don't think anyone would expect you to accomodate or explain your feelings.. it's a testament to the kind of person you are. Thank you for sharing your heart and your perspective.
As much as you want it to stop, I don't know if it really ever does. After we had Ephram I was checking on him all the time, scared what I might find. I never did this in front of Kaylee. I wanted to make sure that if I was worried or overprotective that I did it on my own time, especially since I didn't want to feel those feelings at all. When E was about 3 weeks old, Kaylee was holding him on the couch and I looked over at them. She looked down and then responded, "he is still breathing." She had been doing the same thing I had. And I have even caught her poking him while he is sleeping because she thought he was too still. So, the awareness just becomes part of your lives. Sorry this got really long. But, I wanted you to know that we are still thinking of you. You are a terrific Mother.
You are so sweet. Your girls are so lucky to have a mom like you, especially because they know that they can turn to you and ask you the questions that are on their mind and get an honest & sweet & loving answer in return. What a sweet blessing for you and Katelund to have those dreams of hope, love, & reassurance. Thanks for sharing them. :)
WOW! I know what you mean. When President Hinckley died Ethan (4 yrs old) and I watched his funeral on t.v. and he started asking a lot of questions and started to get teary about talking about dying and being away from me. So we explained that President Hinckley is with Heavenly Father now. See, it was right around Easter and he learned about Jesus dying and being resurrected. So a few days later he asked where President Hinckley was and again we told him but he asked why he was there so long, it had been more then three days, and was not understanding why he didn't come back to earth like Jesus.Since then he asks every so often. It is hard to try to teach them and have them understand through their own fears and emotions. It breaks your heart and brings you so much joy at the same time when these sweet and innocent children learn, grow, and begin to recieve testimonies of there own, and begin to comprehend things that is still so hard for us to even as we are older. Again, I really enjoy reading your posts and am thankful that you share what you do, it helps me find perspective in my own life!
Brooklynn seriously does the same thing all the time. She always asks about Clairissa and when we'll see her again. She still very regularly asks Heavenly Father to protect her when she says her prayers. It's very sweet and amazing how much it affects them at such a young age. She tells me all the time how she misses her cousin Clairisa. We all do.
I love you and can't imagine how you are feeling. Know that you can never hurt my feelings. I think the pain is normal and no one would expect you to feel any differently. I know that you love us. Oh how my heart aches for you. I hope you know that as this time approaches we are all very aware of you. I love you!!
That is such a sweet dream Katelund had. And you're right. Definately not a coincidence. Such hard questions. You are such a wonderful mother. I'm so sorry for all you are going through.
How amazing for Katelund to experience that dream! Young children are not forgotten when pain comes around, though they are quite resilient - they still need reassurances, and I know that you and Cory are doing exactly what is right for them. I think of you often and about how you must feel....how honest you are to share how you feel and with such love. You are an admirable daughter of God.
You're amazing Melissa. You know your girls so well and I know they are comforted by your faith and the love you have for them.
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