Tuesday, February 22, 2011

One of My Deepest Fears


About a month ago, I had a horrible experience happen to me. It is kindof a long story so I'll just sum it up by saying that I thought something had happened to my dad. I thought I had lost him. It was absolutely horrible. When I finally heard his voice and knew that everything was okay, I felt overwhelming relief. My tears started flowing as I expressed my love to him and then after I hung the phone up all my emotions rushed over and I just sat and cried about what could've been.

A couple of days after this experience, Cloey woke up from a dream one night in utter hysterics. I, again, thought the worst had happened. I thought that something horrible had happened to Katelund and that Cloey had woken up to it (part of my paranoia from losing my brother...my sister woke up to find him dead in his crib). But, after calming her down I found out that she had just had a bad dream. A dream in which I had died.

Although it has been weeks since these experiences happened, it has really affected both of us. I find myself thinking more often about my dad. I have randomly texted him just to tell him I love him. I have called him for no reason at all, other than to hear his voice. I have realized that although I am no longer a child living in my parent's home, I will never outgrow my daddy.

Last night, Cloey snuggled up next to me on the recliner after Family Night, and expressed her love and gratitude for me. Then she told me that I can't ever leave her and that she will never go to college because she doesn't ever want to be away from me (something I will definitely remind her of when she is 18 and dying to get out of our home). :) Although I know that someday she and Katelund will both be wonderful mothers, I hope and pray that they will never outgrow me. That they will always need their Mommy just as I still and always will need mine.

I think in many ways that losing a parent is one of my deepest fears. I remember having those dreams like Cloey where my mom dies. They were HORRIBLE!! But the crazy part is that they would be just as horrible today as they were then because no matter how old I get I still need to know that my parents are there for me. I still need my mommy to tell me that everything will be okay (just as she did yesterday when we talked on the phone) and I still need to see that look of approval in my daddy's eyes as I accomplish something that he considers to be great. The older I get the more amazing my parents seem to be. Although, I know that families are forever and that I will never really "lose" them, not having them here with me in mortality has and always will be one of my greatest and deepest fears.

4 comments:

The Allphins said...

That's one of my greatest fears too. I'm glad I'm not the only one. Even with the knowledge of the gospel and a testimony of eternal families, it is still hard to not let in fear of losing loved ones. Something that I think is important to remember (even though it doesn't necessarily erase the fears) is that we have to trust in the Lord and His timing. Although it would be a horrible nightmare, we have to trust that it will ultimately "be for [our] good" and the experience will refine us and help us become more like Christ.

Melissa said...

I totally agree. Especially about the part of appreciating them more now. Recently, as I thought about how amazing my parents are, I thought, 'Wow- I get to be with them forever! I will always be theirs & they will always be mine!" What a blessing!

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to say Thank you for your blog and also I can totally relate. I have 3 girls also and my oldest who is 5 has been telling me the same things. That she doesn't want to die and doesn't want to ever leave me, she said the same thing about college. I never miss an opportunity to say I love you or hug them or kiss them. I think that is all we can do is make sure everyone knows we love them and we show it! Thank you again for sharing.

Marian Collier Hobson said...

That is beautiful! Glad I had an excuse to "catch-up" on your blogs. Congrats again on the girl... Tommy may have to take lessons from Cory... we're hoping to get pregnant this year and a girl is almost a must (at least to EmmaLeigh :)!

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