Not Giving Up

Where do I even begin?

Yesterday I pulled up the new post to begin writing again, but I didn't know what to say. I wish I could say that everything is back to normal or that all though last week was the hardest week of my life, that this week has been a whole lot better...but I would be lying to myself and to all of you. Life is not normal and I find myself crying, aching, and hurting most of the day, but I do feel like this week is easier than last week. I am finally ready to talk to friends, answer my phone, and even post an entry on my blog. That's progress, right?

Monday was a really bad day and I was just so down in spirit. I took Katelund to the dentist and found out that she has lots of dental work that needs to be done and then of course we had to sit down next to a woman with her two week old baby girl. I just felt like such a failure as a mother on so many different levels. Two days after the emergency c-section, they told me that I needed to begin to get up and walk. I didn't care what they said. I didn't want to recover, I just wanted to lay in my bed and cry. Cory told me that all though I didn't feel like recovering or getting up out of that bed, that he needed me and our two little girls needed me more than ever. So...reluctantly, I finally began the "recovery" process. On Monday afternoon, I again felt like I just wanted to give up, but I knew that I couldn't I just didn't know how to get back to normal life, and really I just didn't want to.

Later that day, I pulled out my scriptures and began reading about Captain Moroni and how the Lamanites were fighting harder than they ever had and so Captain Moroni rallied up his troops by reminding them what they were fighting for...their families, religion, etc. As I was reading this the Spirit told me that I too was fighting my own battle and that I needed to get up, be strong, and not ever give up because I am fighting for my family. I got on my knees and prayed with "real intent" that the Lord would give me strength and lighten the burden of death which is weighing me down so heavily. While praying, I felt the Lord's love and an amazing amount of comfort, peace, and hope. It was an incredible experience and hard to put into words, but I have literally felt boosted up as if the Lord is carrying me right now. I know that there will be more hard days and moments filled with tears, but I just feel so amazed at the gift of the Atonement and the blessing that is ours to have the gift of the Holy Ghost and the scriptures to give us the inspiration we need, especially at times when all we want to do is give up.