The other day I was at the store with my Mom. While we were waiting in line to check out, I noticed a mother with her 5 or 6 month old baby. The baby was absolutely beautiful. He had dark skin and the most beautiful blue eyes. It seems like everywhere I go I see mothers with babies or pregnant women. It is always really hard for me. In fact, I usually always break down crying. Well, this time I was feeling strong so I decided to do something that I would have normally done. I walked over to the mother and told her how beautiful her little baby boy was. The lady looked at me with an annoyed look. I don't even remember what she said or if she said anything at all because once I saw her expression I felt as if the scab over my bleeding heart had just been ripped off. Why did I even say anything at all? If only that lady knew how hard it was for me to first of all, look at her with her baby, and then to go so far as to make a comment. That was a pretty big step for me. I know that she had no idea where I was coming from so I don't blame her, I just wanted to feel normal.
I just feel like I am so vulnerable and weak, and it makes me crazy. I get so frustrated with myself. I know that there is a time to mourn and grieve, but I feel like my time is running up and I am supposed to and need to find more joy and strength in my life. I am just not. I start feeling like I am getting stronger and then I am faced with the reality that my strength is not so strong and it seems to falter and come crashing down whenever any other burden is placed upon me.
The other day I decided to go for my first run in months. I went out and ran down the street and back. When I came inside I literally felt like I was going to faint. My pulse was pounding inside of my head and I was really dizzy. I laid down on the floor until I was able to catch my breath. Again, I thought I was a lot stronger than I was. I guess that is how I felt after I commented on that baby, as if I had just ran before I was ready. I just want to run. I want to be back to normal. I know that normal will never be the same because nothing is the same. I now have a child in school, I have moved across town, and I have buried my own baby. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I know that the Lord has carried me so much over the month, and I feel as if His strength is what gets me up each day to take care of my kids and unpack my house. Otherwise, I would probably just lay on my bed all day in the fetal position and cry (something I do a lot at the end of the day). I know that Heavenly Father loves me and he has shown me that over and over again throughout the last couple of months (that is a whole other post). I also know that there is a plan and purpose for my life and although I don't see it clearly now, I do know that in order for me to get where I need to be, I have to allow myself to stumble, fall, and get back up again.
My steps are slow and some days I feel really clumsy, as if I am falling every couple of steps, but I now that over time I will be able to run again. I am just anxiously, and impatiently :), awaiting that day...the day where I can find joy in looking at others' babies, find strength and determination in my life, and find the patience and endurance that I need to wait for the day when I'll be able to look in the eyes of my angel, my beautiful baby Clairisa. That will be the day of my dreams. The day where my family will be complete, whole, and normal.
11 comments:
Melissa, I LOVE the sweet picture you added on your blog... you can just tell that Clairisa is perfect. I know you are going through a hard time right now, but it is amazing to me of how strong and what an example you are to me and everyone else. You may not realize it as you feel weak, but you are being a strength to so many of us, who we can look to as an example of Faith in Christ, and enduring to the end. I love you & think about you often.
What a sweet and personal post! You are much stronger than you give yourself credit for. The fact that you can get out of bed is amazing to me. Be certain that "your time is NOT running out". Like you said, normal will never be normal again; however healing takes time. It's hasn't even been a month.. you take your time and don't you ever let anyone make you feel badly about that. Don't run faster than you have strength and find the balance between joy and grief as you continue to heal. Remember that we are all here for you. I love you.
Melissa,
You really are a beautiful woman with so much faith and strength. You are an incredible example to me and you have been since we first met.
I know you may not feel strong right now and it's frustruating but it's OKAY to feel that way. You don't have to be strong all of the time. My heart aches for you everyday so I can't even imagine all that you are going through. Hang in there. And don't be too hard on yourself. Love ya- dest
oh melissa,
do you even know how much strength you have just by writing this post? you are so strong both physically and emotionally, but it takes time to heal. don't push yourself to do anything just becuase you think you need to be normal. it is so hard! it's ok to stumble, just know that you have loving friends and family to help pick you back up. you don't need to be the strong one all of the time, it's okay to cry. just know that we all love you so much. i just wish that i lived near you and could be there for you. i love you melissa! just take it one day at a time.
I know what you mean and I just ache when I think about what you are going through. I think about you ALL the time. We are praying for you. I ran into your father in law at Sam's Club and he said you guys are thinking of coming for stake conference?...if you come, we want to hang out!
Melissa I have been thinking of you a lot lately, and I was thinking of you today at church. Right before your baby died we had a lesson in relief society on losing loved ones.
"The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore if rightly considered, instead of mourning, we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again."
"Will mothers have their children in eternity? Yes! Yes! Mothers, you shall have your children; for they shall have eternal life, for their debt is paid... children must rise just as they died; we can there hail our lovely infants with the same loveliness in the celestial glory"
Teachings of Joseph Smith
See also Mosiah 16:7-8 and D&C 42:45-46
You are in my prayers. I know you can make it! The Lord will lead you if you let him.
sincerely, Jen Pratt
Dear sweet Melissa,
I love you! One day you will run and not be weary. The Lord has your hand in all of this (He has your hand because you have given Him your heart.) Step by step He will help you run until before you know it you wll be ready to take on a marathon, emotionaly speaking as well as physically, but then you already know that don't you? I just wanted you to know that I know it, too.
Love Mom by the beach
Melissa, you are so sweet and tender and I know you are hurting terribly. I'm so glad that you do have the knowledge and faith you do to carry you through this. Because you will come through it and your family will be okay. You will have many more joys in your life but there is no need to rush. It is good that you want to feel that again- you should want to and we know that is our Father's plan right? Keep that as a goal and it will sneak up on you in those moments with your sweet princesses and dear husband when you aren't expecting it. ((hugs))
Melissa,
I can't stop thinking about you and I'm so happy you updated us on what's going on. You are fully normal to feel the way you do! Like so many have said, you are a very powerful example. I have a friend going through something similar and she has completely turned her back on God. I look up to you so much for your strength. Thank you for sharing such a difficult time with us. Love you!!
Leslie
You are the perfect example or enduring and enduring well!! Obviously it is so hard in the beginning but you are such a good example of pushing yourself and knowing that things will get better-even if it is longer than we want! Just don't push too hard and let Heavenly Father do some of the pushing. I admire your strong character and attempts at doing what you need to in order to fully heal. I am keeping you in my prayers!!
jenna
you have counseled me during difficult times to give myself a break because of what i've been through.....i'm sending that loving advice back your way. But, you already know all of that....you just have to let yourself feel how you feel, and take your time.
Post a Comment