Remembering...4 years later

A couple of days ago we went to a water park with some of our good friends who came to visit us from Chattanooga (more on that later). As I was sitting on a chair by the pool visiting with my friend Alison, I noticed a girl's backpack on the chair next to me. As a glanced over at it, the words seemed to jump out at me from off of the backpack. There inscribed in beautiful cursive writing was the name Clairisa. I couldn't take my eyes off of that backpack. First of all, because I couldn't believe that it was spelt exactly the same way as our Clairisa and also the fact that of all the places in the entire water park that I could've sat, somehow I sat down in the chair next to the back pack of another Clairisa. I waited and waited hoping to see what she looked like. I really wanted to just see her. See what she was like and what kind of swimming suit she was wearing. Kindof silly, I know. But for some reason, I just really wanted to know. I never saw her and I was really disappointed that I didn't. I have thought about that back pack with my Clairisa's name on it over and over the last couple of days. I've thought about how I wish that I could have seen her name written on more than just her headstone. How I wish I could've seen it written at her little desk on her first day of school, or on her baptism certificate or even her wedding announcement. I miss her. I miss having her name on the tip of my tongue each day as I awaited her arrival into our family and into my life. But, I also know that because of the gospel and because of what happened on August 19, 2000, our family can be together again. Someday I will have my time with her. I will speak her name everyday without the painful tugging on my heartstrings. I will look into her beautiful eyes and whisper of the eternities we will share together. Ever since I moved to Texas, I have had a couple of different experiences with people where I felt like I wished I never even told them about Clairisa. I'm not going to go into any details because I would never want them to know and it just isn't relevant. But, a couple of comments that have been made have unintentionally brought up some raw emotions. I know that the comments were not meant to hurt or make light of anything, but they did and so I am still sorting out in my mind and heart how to deal with similar situations in the future. Even after four years, my emotions are still tender on this day. Although I am still driving my children around, doing my visiting teaching, cleaning my house, and folding laundry, my mind and heart can be found in that hospital room four years ago where I sat and held my beautiful lifeless baby girl for the first and last time. It was a day I will never ever forget...whether it's four or forty years later. We took this picture of our family the other day as we visited the temple with our friends. I love this picture for many many reasons, but one of the reasons that I love it is because although I cannot go to Clairisa's grave today (since it is 15 hours away) I know that the one place that I can go, where I feel her every single time I visit, is in the temple. When I came back to the Dallas temple (which is where Cory and I were married) a couple of years ago, it was the first time I'd been back to it since Clairisa. As we turned down the road that the temple is located on, I got really emotional as I noticed that the name of the road is Willow. Is it really a coincidence that Clairisa just happens to be buried next to a willow tree and that the place where Cory and I made covenants to seal our future family together was located on a street named Willow? I don't think so. Just like I don't think it was a coincidence that I sat next to that backpack. Why would those two little things be so significant to me? Because it is those little reminders of hope, tender mercies from He who is the author and deliverer of hope...of the Sunday that is sure to come. It is in those messages of hope that my spirit is lifted, my tears wiped away, my sorrow is swallowed up in joy, and my heart is found rejoicing.