I once had someone ask me how I find the time to blog. Well, I make the time. I do it when Hailey is sleeping and my girls are occupied (or when they're in school) because I have found that blogging has become a creative outlet for me, a way for me to express myself through words. I don't blog for comments (although I love to read them) and I don't blog to just record events, trips, or birthdays. I blog to tell a story, to tell a story about who I am so that one day my children will go back and read about who I was as a mother and what things mattered the most to me. In telling my story, I try to keep it as real as possible. It is easy to create an image of yourself through social media, to create somebody that maybe you would like to be or that you would like others to see you as. I hope that in my writing that my girls, and anyone else who may read my words, will know that I struggled. I want them to know that I had bad days and hard times and that life was not always easy. I want them to know that I had many many weaknesses and shortcomings but that I was always trying to be and do better. That is all any of us can do, because obviously perfection is not only a life-long process, but also requires lots of mercy and grace by a loving and perfect Savior.
With that being said....today I am going to do a "keeping it real" post.
Being pregnant with my fifth baby has not been easy for me. I have struggled with a lot of different things, emotionally and physically. But mostly, I have just felt fear. I have been afraid of many things; what others may think, how I am going handle one more teenage girl, how we can afford another child, how can I give the attention that my older girls need when I have two babies to care for, and to top it all off I continue to have nightmares about another one of my children dying. I have fought against a lot of feelings of inadequacy, fear, and feeling completely overwhelmed and under qualified. For some women, four children is no big deal. They could handle twelve children and still look amazing all the time and have a perfectly organized and clean home. I know many of those women, in fact, I am friends with way too many of those women. :) I am very aware of my own limitations, which is why I have struggled with these feelings.
Yesterday, in my morning prayers I prayed that these feelings would leave me and be replaced with feelings of excitement, anticipation, and joy. Then I went on with my day. At the swimming pool I was confronted by two women (who I didn't know) who wanted to know why on earth I would want to have another baby and how was I going to handle two so close together. As I assured them that I really was excited, I prayed once again in my heart that what I was saying could really be completely honest and true. Later that day my prayer was answered in a very simple, yet miraculous way.
I ran into the grocery store really quickly to grab a couple of things. I was in a hurry so I really wasn't focusing on anything or anyone, just the need to get in and out. As I was walking up to the u scan line, I was caught off guard. There at the checkout line was a mother with a brand new baby. He was crying. I could tell that she was flustered and in a hurry to pay and get out of the store. As I heard that brand new little baby cry, something happened inside of me. All of the sudden I was fighting back emotions that I had yearned to feel. I wanted to just sit there and listen to him cry. His crying was my answer. I know that sounds really weird and it seems weird to even type it out, but in that moment I received exactly what I had been asking for. The excitement, anticipation, and overwhelming joy rushed into my heart. The mother left before I did. I quickly rushed out of the store and found her in the parking lot. I don't know why, but I just needed to thank her. To thank her for being in the store at that exact moment with her hungry precious little baby boy. I told her a little about what I had experienced as I heard her baby's cry. I'm sure that she thought I was crazy, but I didn't even care. I just had to share my experience with someone. The amazing thing is that those feelings have stayed with me. I wish I could say that the fear is completely gone but it's not. It may not be for a couple of years. :) But, I can deal with those feelings a lot better when I feel the joy and excitement that is growing within me. And for now, that is all I need.
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