Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Faith and Fear


I have always tried to be really honest on my blog. I write this for me and my family, so when I feel like being cheesy, I am. When I feel like venting, I do. When I feel like being setimental, I am. I am who I am, and I am not going to change my blog to create somebody or try to portray myself as somebody I am not (although my blog would be a lot more exciting) :) . So the point in me telling you all of this, is because I don't want you (whoever reads this) to think that I am ever writing for a reaction or writing to receive certain types of responses. Many times I read my post to my children because I want them to know how I feel or what I strongly believe. I think it is important. I also have found it very interesting to read what I felt at this time last year or the year before, or even the year before that. I don't use my blog to merely post pictures for grandparents, update friends and families with our current events, or even to just write about how my children are growing. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with doing a blog just for one of those reasons, they are just not my sole reasons to blog. I want to remember how I feel, what is important to me, and how the moments that matter in my life make me who I am.

With that being said....


Lately I have been experiencing a lot of anxiety. I am having trouble sleeping at night, I find myself scared to go to the bathroom because I am afraid that I will see blood, and I am scared to death to go the doctor tomorrow for my first appointment because what if I am really not pregnant? I know that all of these things seem illogical, but I am really struggling with them. I am getting a blessing tonight and I know I just have to let go of these fears and replace them with faith, but I am just so afraid of repeating the past. I have learned and grown so much in the last year, but that doesn't mean I am ready to repeat it. The other day I was telling Katelund that my stomach was hurting. She then said to me, "is it because the baby has died inside of you?" I was caught so off guard, I just started sobbing uncontrollably. She voiced what I have been fearing deep down inside. It is time to just let these feelings go, because they are only weighing me down and I know that they are not from the Lord. For how can faith and fear co-exist? They can't.

Yesterday my friend Destinee, sent me some pictures of Clairisa that she had done some work with on Photoshop. She also made an incredible slideshow with the pictures and music. Cory and I watched it and cried together. It was perfect, Destinee! Although I am scared and anxious, I feel so incredibly grateful and blessed to be pregnant right now. To be pregnant during a month where my thoughts are turned to last year. Two days from today, last year, I was being admitted to the hospital while bleeding uncontrollably. It seems like just yesterday. I was so thankful for these pictures from Destinee, because it helped ease my mind as I realized that although there are many hard and painful memories from this time last year, there are also a lot of sweet unforgettable ones that have changed my life forever. Thank you Destinee for reminding me of those very moments.

9 comments:

J and C said...

Thank you for your wonderful honesty. I am always uplifted by your faith, it is one of my favorite things about your blog, that your have remained so positive, even in the midst of all the suffering.

I just want you to know that I love reading your blog for what it teaches me. And I love your honesty, because we have all felt these feelings, and hearing how others bear their burdens lifts us all.

Rebecca said...

This picture is beautiful.

That fear is hard to get rid of. We love you!! You'll do great.

Melissa said...

That is the most beautiful and precious picture I have ever seen. Thank you for sharing it with all of us. I too do my blog mostly for a journal of our life (my life) Did you know you can make your blog into a book at blurb.com That's what I'm working on right now (from last year) and I'm so excited about how it's turning out. It's like our own family journal.

I think the hardest thing in life is replacing fear with faith. My biggest fear is that one of my children will die. I am constantly fearfull of leaving them, letting them drive with other people, etch... all because of fear. I think we just have to learn that we aren't in control & we just have to trust, or have faith in our Savior. Sometimes easier said than done huh? I love what you posted the other day though & have made it a quote in my room because it applys to everyone. "Faith will become our anchor, Hope our guiding star, & eternal happiness our destiny." Thanks for being so uplifting. Love ya!

Living In A Tree House!!!! said...

You always have the greatest things so say they always move me.... I love your honesty and sweet pure spirit... You are a really special person and I admire that in you... I hope all goes great for you..... I know that heaven father loves you..... Take care

deana said...

Melissa, I tell myself that all of the time, "FAITH NOT FEAR" I also tell my kids that. You know, if you by chance happen to have another precious little girl the name Faith would definately be appropriate. Christ will always be with us when we have faith. You will be blessed for it!

Jennifer and Brandon Allred said...

Melissa, I totally understand what you are writing about. Most people dont know that I was carrying triplets and lost one of them. I still continued to carry the other 2 and delivered twins. You are so incredibly lucky to have those wonderful pictures of your angel. I dont have any pictures of mine. She died at 16 weeks and because she was a triplet I didnt deliver her ever. She was absorbed back into my body. Therefor I never saw her but she is one of my children eventhough she never took a breath.
My whole reason for telling you this is that when I became pregnant again I had a lot of the same feelings you are having. The thing that helped soooo much was a medical grade doppler. I was able to listen to my babys heart beat whenever I wanted to. The first time I heard it was at 9 weeks and anytime I needed that reassurance I was able to get the little doppler and listen. It was also fun for the kids to be able to hear it too. If you want info on how to get one email me on facebook and I will contact you about it.

Good luck and you will make it there. I know because my little girl is 2 months old tomorrow.

Mandy said...

First, I never read people's blogs and think they are looking for anything other than sharing and remembering and interacting with friends. The reason you get so many amazing comments is because YOU, my dear, are an amazing woman who inspires all of us. The fact that you feel comfortable to share your true challenges and joys is so refreshing and uplifting. I love you. I will pray for you, because I know that it can be very difficult to replace fear with faith. It is an understandable chaallenge, and I know the blessing will help, too.

Whyzzerd said...

Reading this just makes me want to give you a hug.I guess instead i will just have to say a little prayer for you guys.

erin sheely said...

Bless your heart Melissa. I am sure it is terrifying. How could it not be? You are so strong and I am so happy for you that you are expecting. I will pray for you and your little one.

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