I have always tried to be really honest on my blog. I write this for me and my family, so when I feel like being cheesy, I am. When I feel like venting, I do. When I feel like being setimental, I am. I am who I am, and I am not going to change my blog to create somebody or try to portray myself as somebody I am not (although my blog would be a lot more exciting) :) . So the point in me telling you all of this, is because I don't want you (whoever reads this) to think that I am ever writing for a reaction or writing to receive certain types of responses. Many times I read my post to my children because I want them to know how I feel or what I strongly believe. I think it is important. I also have found it very interesting to read what I felt at this time last year or the year before, or even the year before that. I don't use my blog to merely post pictures for grandparents, update friends and families with our current events, or even to just write about how my children are growing. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with doing a blog just for one of those reasons, they are just not my sole reasons to blog. I want to remember how I feel, what is important to me, and how the moments that matter in my life make me who I am.
With that being said....
Lately I have been experiencing a lot of anxiety. I am having trouble sleeping at night, I find myself scared to go to the bathroom because I am afraid that I will see blood, and I am scared to death to go the doctor tomorrow for my first appointment because what if I am really not pregnant? I know that all of these things seem illogical, but I am really struggling with them. I am getting a blessing tonight and I know I just have to let go of these fears and replace them with faith, but I am just so afraid of repeating the past. I have learned and grown so much in the last year, but that doesn't mean I am ready to repeat it. The other day I was telling Katelund that my stomach was hurting. She then said to me, "is it because the baby has died inside of you?" I was caught so off guard, I just started sobbing uncontrollably. She voiced what I have been fearing deep down inside. It is time to just let these feelings go, because they are only weighing me down and I know that they are not from the Lord. For how can faith and fear co-exist? They can't.
Yesterday my friend Destinee, sent me some pictures of Clairisa that she had done some work with on Photoshop. She also made an incredible slideshow with the pictures and music. Cory and I watched it and cried together. It was perfect, Destinee! Although I am scared and anxious, I feel so incredibly grateful and blessed to be pregnant right now. To be pregnant during a month where my thoughts are turned to last year. Two days from today, last year, I was being admitted to the hospital while bleeding uncontrollably. It seems like just yesterday. I was so thankful for these pictures from Destinee, because it helped ease my mind as I realized that although there are many hard and painful memories from this time last year, there are also a lot of sweet unforgettable ones that have changed my life forever. Thank you Destinee for reminding me of those very moments.