My Christmas Miracle

Today as I was talking to one of my neighbors, she asked me what we were doing for Christmas. I told her that we were staying home and that unfortunately we weren't going to have any family visiting this year. I then explained to her how last year we went to Minnesota for my brother-in-law's wedding. As I was walking home from the bus stop, my mind flooded with memories of last Christmas. It was not a normal Christmas. In fact, Becca and Logan were originally planning on getting married in August (before their 3 new nieces were born). But, for whatever reason (definitely divine intervention), they chose to push their wedding date back to December. I had chosen not to go. Cory was going to be there to represent our family and that was going to have to be enough because there was no way that I could go and see Amber and Brittney with their new baby girls and not have my own. I was still grieving and luckily everyone understood this and was just fine with whatever decision I came to. About a week before, I decided that I needed to go. To this day, I am not sure why. Maybe it is because I have always looked to Logan as the little brother figure in my life. My brother Kelly, who died when he was 4 months old, would've been the same age as Logan. Or maybe it is because I knew that it would be hard for Cory and so I felt like I needed to be there for him. I'm not sure. But I do know that I felt strongly about it because boarding that plane was one of the hardest things ever.

When I got there the band aid that I had put over my bleeding heart was immediately ripped off as soon as I saw Callie and Kylin for the first time. Watching them dress, nurse, rock, and cuddle their babies was almost more than I could take. But, I knew that I needed to be there....no matter how badly it hurt. On the day of the wedding, it was blizzarding. There was snow everywhere and the temperatures were unbearably freezing. As soon as we walked through the doors of the temple, the warmth flowed within my entire body. Not just the warmth from the heaters, the warmth of the Spirit. The warmth of knowing that there in the temple all the coldness and uncontrollable emotions within me that were constantly on the brink of rupturing were tempered. I knew that there in the walls of the Lord's house I would be given the strength that I needed to make it through the next two days. The sealing was beautiful. I have never seen Becca or Logan look so angelic. It was amazing. But then as I left the security of the temple, the blizzard and emotions blasted upon me once again. The reception was hard, especially during the picture session when Becca and Logan had all of their nieces and nephews around them. Becca was holding Kylin and Callie and the only thing that I could do was repeat in my mind, "why?". Why was I the one that had to lose my baby? Why did I come here? Why did she have to die?

The next day was Sunday. Amber had chosen to bless Callie in the hotel room so that all of the family could be part of it and all of her brothers could be there to place their hands on Callie's sweet little head and give her a name and a blessing. Amber had asked me months before if they could name their new little baby Callie Clairisa. Once again, I had debated about not being in that room. I knew that it would be hard, but I just kept thinking of Sister Dalton's words from conference, "I can do hard things, in fact, with Christ I can do all things.". The blessing began and the tears started flowing, not just my own tears though. The tears of everyone in that room. I will not share every detail of that day or the previous night because they are some of the most sacred experiences I have had. But, I will say that when I boarded the plane later that day, I felt as if my heart had been healed. I know that a miracle took place within my heart and within the hearts of others.

Last Christmas was one that I will never forget. It was my Christmas miracle. The kind of miracle that will be forever imprinted upon my soul and the kind that will always remind me of what Christmas is really all about. It is about the Christ child. The child that was born in the lowliest of circumstances and yet was the greatest of us all. The King of Kings and Lord of Lords who came to overcome the world, to overcome all of the heartache, suffering, sin, and death that would come upon each one of us. Even hundreds of years later, the Lord's coming can still bring joy to the world. Joy to a grieving mother and joy to all those who let Him into their life.