Thursday, July 21, 2011
Although this was my third C-section, I still felt a lot of anxiety beforehand. There is just something about knowing that you are going to be cut open on a table that is just plain old scary. Cory gave me a priesthood blessing at about 4:30 am as we were waiting for my sweet friend Diane to come over and stay with the girls, and so the reassurance and peace that I needed came. Once we were at the hospital and the iv went in and the robe went on, the excitement came and the anticipation began to build.
As I laid there on that surgery table, knowing that the cutting had begun and not being able to feel anything from my ribs down, I had a moment of fear rush into me. The fear that I was all to familiar with when I was laying in that very same position just 17 months ago. The fear that comes from knowing that sometimes things don't always turn out as expected. The fear in knowing that there was always that chance that something could go wrong. Wrong enough to leave me with another broken heart. But then as the thoughts entered my mind, I looked up at Cory (who was totally into the cutting that was going on) and he just happened to look down at me. In that moment when our eyes met, all of the sudden I saw him as that 17 year old boy whom I fell in love with all of those years ago. You know how people talk about their life flashing before their eyes? Well, it was kindof like I saw our life together. I saw him as that good looking teenage boy who was totally full of himself. :) Then I saw him as the man that he turned into. The man who was no longer full of himself, but was full of love for his child, each and every child who has come into our life and created our family. I saw the tender moments of a father holding a lifeless baby in his arms and knowing that he would have to say goodbye...at least for a time. I saw a father who gently kisses his baby girls each and everyday and gathers them around for prayer each and every night. I saw a husband who is my very best friend and who still makes my heart pitter patter. This is the man that I saw look down at me, and as I saw him I knew that no matter what, everything would be okay.
Which it was. And then the crying began. The long awaited cry of another beautiful perfect baby girl. The first cry of a baby is one that I will never hear without a rush of emotions and tears streaming down my own cheeks. In fact, as Cory went over to look at her and be with her, the anesthesiologist brushed my tears away. Then from there, everything just seems to be so surreal. Seeing her for the first time, holding her, nursing her, looking at her little feet and hands, touching her hair, and kissing her little cheeks. It just never gets old. The excitement and joy that you feel with your first baby is the same as it is with your fifth. She is a tiny little thing, weighing in at 6 lbs 1 oz and just like all of our other Mann girls (excluding Katelund) she came out with a full head of dark hair.
Bringing her home was so exciting. The girls L.O.V.E her, even and especially Hailey. I was so worried about her feeling jealous. She has had some moments where she has wanted attention but she doesn't take any of her feelings out on Makayla (unlike Katelund who totally took it out on Cloey...somethings never change) :). She wants to touch her, sit by her, kiss her, and she just squeals every time she is near her. It is so sweet. Life with four is good...very good. Yes, I've had some postpartum moments, especially with being frustrated with nursing (I have such a love hate relationship with nursing). All I will say about that on my blog is that I am so thankful for a pump. Yes, I'm being totally spoiled by my mother-in-law who just waits on me hand and foot....and yes, I'm a little bit nervous about how I will do it all when I'm left to do it on my own. But, other than that, I am doing great. I LOVE having a new baby in our home. I love having four beautiful girls (and one hot husband) on my bed giggling and playing together. But most of all, I LOVE knowing that this family thing is forever.
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