This last weekend turned out completely different than it was supposed to. Cory and I were supposed to go on the youth temple trip while our girls stayed with a good friend of mine. I was supposed to go to the YW broadcast with the young women in our ward. I was supposed to teach a lesson on Sunday and Cory was supposed to teach two lessons (in Elders Quorum and Sunday School). Instead, we ended up canceling everything because, instead, we spent all day Saturday, Sunday, and half of Monday, in the hospital with Hailey. It all started on Friday when I noticed that something wasn't quite right. Hailey was sleeping tons and she wasn't eating very well (both big signs that something was up). Later that night, I told Cory that something was really wrong and we needed to check her temperature (not that she really felt warm, she was just so lethargic). Sure enough, she had a fever of 101. We continued checking her temperature throughout the night (by morning it got up to 102) and ended up getting about 2 hours of sleep and worrying like crazy. We decided that Cory would go on the youth temple trip, and I would take the girls with me to the urgent care. To make a long story short....Cory and I ended up at the ER and my angelic friend, Jessica, came and picked the girls up from the hospital to stay with her for the weekend. They did TONS of tests to find the cause of the fever. Although there was a good chance that it was just a virus, they still didn't want to take any chances with a newborn, so they did every test imaginable. They started with an RSV test, which was negative. Then they took her blood and urine to do cultures and also to find out her white blood cell count. Because her white blood cell count and CRP (I have not idea what that is) were high, they had to do a spinal tap on her (which definitely makes it on my list of worst things I have ever had to witness as a mother). Then they did an X ray on her chest and admitted Hailey into the hospital to wait for the culture results and to start the rounds of antibiotic through the iv that they put in her hand (see picture above).
When I was carrying Hailey to the X-ray unit, I was alone with her for a time as we waited for the technician. As I held Hailey and looked into her pitiful little eyes, I began to plead...or maybe beg...with Heavenly Father that everything would be okay and that I would not have to lose another baby. I know that this prayer was not mine alone. I could see it all over Cory's face as he paced the floor and it was voiced by Cloey last night as she held Hailey for the first time since Friday. She said, "Oh Hailey I am so glad you're better. I was so afraid you would die." Although I knew deep down inside that everything would be okay, I also needed that extra comfort and peace that was immediately given as the thoughts in my heart were spoken aloud in my prayer.
Yesterday I came home from the hospital to an empty house. My friend, Celeste, was watching Cloey, and Katelund was at school. I started to unpack our stuff and then I got a phone call from a friend who told me how she had seen Katelund at school and how she was really struggling today and in the hallway she had just broken down. I was so worried about her. If I'd had a car, I would've driven to the school and taken her home. I then started worrying about Cloey and how she has been struggling trying to find her place as the middle child. Then the solutions came... I am going to have to shelter Hailey even more than I was. I can't let anyone touch her unless they wash their hands and there is no way I can ever take her out again. I will have to baby Cloey even more. Read her at least 10 books a day and play barbies and/or baby dolls with her for at least an hour everyday, and then for Katelund I will have lunch with her at school everyday, etc..etc.. Then reality came crashing in and I realized how impossible it would be to do all or any of those things every single day. Yes, I can do a little more with each child, but as an imperfect mother who is trying to be a YWs president, a good daughter, sister, friend, student, wife, etc...there is a limit to what I can and/or cannot do. In that overwhelming moment, I got on my knees and completely drenched my blanket with tears.
As I prayed, the real solution came....to do the very best that I can and trust in the Lord to make up the difference.
After I got out of the bath this morning, I checked on Hailey in her crib and then walked out to the kitchen. As I looked out the windows, I noticed something. Someone had come by and left some purple tulips at my front door. I don't know if you remember my parable of the tulips from last spring, but I think that whoever left those flowers must have been on an errand of the Lord. Through those purple tulips, my prayer has been answered, the burden that was too heavy to carry yesterday feels so much lighter, and the joy and hope have been renewed. I have no idea who brought the tulips by and I'm pretty sure that they don't know of their significance, but I do know a couple of things for sure. I know that today I was visited by an angel. I also know that the most powerful lessons I have learned in my life have been taught to me by the Sprit through nature, which tells me that not only is God a God who answers and hears our prayers, but also one who knows who we are completely and perfectly. I know that all things testify of Christ. The purple tulips have reminded me of many things, but one of the most significant things is a reminder to me that because of the Savior all things are possible. Whether it is causing the blind to see, the lame to walk, forgiving a sinner, overcoming death, healing a heart, or somehow miraculously making up the difference after we have done all that we can do.
