Comparing baby pics...

Everyone tells me that Hailey looks just like Cloey. What do you think? Although it may be hard to really compare because Hailey doesn't have her eyes open in this picture...but it is the most recent (like I just took it 5 minutes ago). I think she has similarities to Cloey but I also think she has her own look. But, she looks more like Cloey than she does to her other sisters. I'll have to find a baby picture of Katelund and post it. All her baby pics were on a computer that crashed years ago. Thank goodness for scrapbooks.

Glimpses

The other day I told my girls the story of Esther for their bedtime story. As I was midway through the story, I realized that although it is a great story, to a 4 or 6 year old, it may seem a little scary or weird considering the fact that Esther could have been killed for going before the king, aka her husband, and pleading for him to spare her people from certain death. Hmmm...maybe not the best bedtime story??? Well anyways, I continued the story and then focused on the fact that just like Esther, both of them have a special purpose and that there is something so special about each one of them that makes them so important to Heavenly Father and that there are things for them to do in their lifetime that nobody else could do as good as them. I wasn't sure if they really understood what I meant, but at least they seemed to be listening.

Then the other day Katelund came up to me and asked, "Mommy, what is it about me that makes me special and important and that on one else can do like me?" I then went on to tell her. It was such a sweet moment, especially as I saw this little light in her eyes as she realized how truly special she was. I believe that one of the greatest blessings of motherhood are the glimpses that our Heavenly Father allows us to see of the divine within our children. To see the greatness and the potential that are within reach of the ones that we love so dearly, is not only rewarding but also incredibly humbling and sometimes even a little overwhelming. At least it is for me, as I realize what a weighty responsibility I have to help them to see themselves the way that I see them, or even more importantly, to see themselves the way that God sees them...even to a small degree.

When I walked into the room and saw Katelund holding Hailey and sleeping so peacefully next to her, I had one of those moments. A moment where I saw a little girl who would someday be an incredible mother, which to me is one of the greatest roles and responsibilities there is.

Hailey's Birth Story Part II

We had to be at the hospital at 6:45 am because the C-section was scheduled for 8:45 am. Once I got there, they took Cory and I into the pre-op room in order to get me set up on the monitor and to get me going on the iv and such. It was a VERY long 2 hours!! So when the nurse came in and told me that the doctor was running late, I was not so happy. But, then when I found out that he was late because some trees in his neighborhood had fallen down and blocked the road, I wasn't quite as irritated. When he finally arrived...at about 9:45, I was SO READY to get going. Cory had to stay in the pre-op room with my mom so that they could get into their gowns and masks while they sent me into the operating room to get the spinal block in me. This was the part that I was the most nervous about. Although the needles for spinals are a lot smaller than they are for epidurals, I was still really nervous because this time I was getting it without being in pain. There is just something okay about them sticking a huge needle in your back when you are contracting and agonizing with pain, but not so much when you are experiencing no pain. The anesthesiologist was super nice and they did a great job. It was funny though because when they had me sit up on the table, I automatically sat indian-style (or to be politically correct...criss cross applesauce). They were all freaking out because they said that they never see that when they ask a pregnant lady to sit up on the table. It felt good to know that although I could hardly walk to Katelund's bus stop without being totally out of breath, at least I could still sit indian-style. :)

As the medicine went into my back I felt a warm sensation go all the way down my legs, which I actually really liked because I was FREEZING!! Then they helped me uncross my legs so they could lay me out on the table. At this point, all modesty went out the door. I won't go into the details, but I will say that I felt more on display with this c-section than I did with my vaginal deliveries because there were like 4 times the number of people in the room. Besides Cory and my mom, there was 16 other nurses/doctors/surgeons, and/or anesthesiologists. The hospital I delivered at is a teaching hospital and they definitely used my surgery as a teaching opportunity because it was a unique case since I had previously had a classical c-section incision. After the really embarrassing parts were over, they put up the "screen" so that I couldn't see what was going on and the surgery began. After a little while, Cory (who was watching the whole thing) asked me, "can you feel that at all?" So not what I wanted to hear at that point. To know that they were cutting me open as I laid there wide awake was pretty surreal. Especially considering the fact that they had my arms and legs strapped down to the table. Good thing there was something in the iv that seemed to make me relax. In fact, I felt more relaxed during the surgery than I had been for days. About half way through the surgery, I started to get a little nervous and I know that Cory could sense it so he reached over and started to massage my scalp (he knows that doing that is the best way to calm me down, and it did). I laid there anxiously awaiting to hear one thing...her cry. The cry that I never got to hear with Clairisa, the cry that I had dreamed about night after night, the cry that would solidify the fact that I had a very alive and healthy baby, the cry that would calm all my fears. When the cry came, the tears from my own eyes began to gush. Her cry was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard. The nurses took her and my mom and Cory rushed over to watch them as they did all of the things that they do to a brand new baby. I could hardly stand it. All I wanted was to see her, to touch her, to hold her in my arms and never let her go. When they finally brought her over to me, I felt a surge of emotions run all through me, but I still just yearned for her body to be laid in my arms, to feel her heartbeat pulsating and bringing new life to my own.

After the best part was over, I had to lay there forever! In fact, I asked my mom how long she though it took for them to stitch me all up and she said, "it took forever". She was sitting on the side of me just trying to focus on the joy of birth instead of the fact that they had just cut open her daughter. Cory, on the other hand, was watching with curious excitement as the doctor took out my uterus in order to show all of the other doctors what a classical c-section incision looks like. Cory's response..."it looks like a chicken". My mom actually got curious enough and finally peeked over and looked at "the chicken". It is kind of weird to know that my husband and mother have seen my uterus and fallopian tubes. In a strange way, I feel a stronger attachment to them both now.:) After the stitching was finally completed, they wheeled my bed into the recovery room where I was greeted by some of my very favorite people in the whole world, my two beautiful daughters and my in-laws. Then the long-awaited moment arrived, they placed my beautiful baby girl into my arms. It was a moment of great anticipation, emotion, and joy. It was one of those moments where I thought my heart was going to burst open. An experience and moment that words fail to describe or explain. The following hours and days were incredible. Although the nurses forgot about my meds over and over again, my incision stung, the breastfeeding was painful.... it was still incredible!!! I have never felt so much peace and gratitude. In fact, in one of those early morning hours in my hospital bed, as I laid awake staring down at my own little piece of heaven, I felt as if Clairisa's spirit was right there with me, as if the veil was lifted for just a moment and I could feel the love and bond of two beautiful and perfect spirits.

Recovery has been like it always is, difficult, tiresome, and painful...but it has also been one of the best weeks of my life. To have a baby so fresh from heaven in my home is the ultimate healing balm, the greatest gift a mother could ever receive. This Valentines Day was one where I felt not only an increase of love for my beautiful daughters, INCREDIBLY selfless and loving husband, and for one of my greatest heroes...my own mother, but also for my Savior. As I look into Hailey's eyes, I feel His love. I feel the greatest love known to man, a love that can permeate every part of our life and fill our souls with the most incredible joy. Hailey's story is not over, it has only begun, and I have a feeling that her mission is a great one. One that has already begun in her first week of life as she has brought healing and joy to our little family in the most miraculous way.

Hailey's Birth Story Part II

We had to be at the hospital at 6:45 am because the C-section was scheduled for 8:45 am. Once I got there, they took Cory and I into the pre-op room in order to get me set up on the monitor and to get me going on the iv and such. It was a VERY long 2 hours!! So when the nurse came in and told me that they doctor was running late, I was not so happy. But, then when I found out that he was late because some trees in his neighborhood had fallen down and blocked the road, I wasn't quite as irritated. When he finally arrived...at about 9:45, I was SO READY to get going. Cory had to stay in the pre-op room with my mom so that they could get into their gowns and masks while they sent me into the operating room to get the spinal block in me. This was the part that I was the most nervous about. Although the needles for spinals are a lot smaller than they are for epidurals, I was still really nervous because this time I was getting it without being in pain. There is just something okay about them sticking a huge needle in your back when you are contracting and agonizing with pain, but not so much when you are experiencing no pain. The anesthesiologist was super nice and they did a great job. It was funny though because when they had me sit up on the table, I automatically sat indian-style (or to be politically correct...criss cross applesauce). They were all freaking out because they said that they never see that when they ask a pregnant lady to sit up on the table. It felt good to know that although I could hardly walk to Katelund's bus stop without being totally out of breath, at least I could still sit indian-style. :)

As the medicine went into my back I felt a warm sensation go all the way down my legs, which I actually really liked because I was FREEZING!! Then they helped me uncross my legs so they could lay me out on the table. At this point, all modesty went out the door. I won't go into the details, but I will say that I felt more on display with this c-section than I did with my vaginal deliveries because there were like 4 times the number of people in the room. Besides Cory and my mom, there was 16 other nurses/doctors/surgeons, and/or anesthesiologists. The hospital I delivered at is a teaching hospital and they definitely used my surgery as a teaching opportunity because it was a unique case since I had previously had a classical c-section incision. After the really embarrassing parts were over, they put up the "screen" so that I couldn't see what was going on and the surgery began. After a little while, Cory (who was watching the whole thing) asked me, "can you feel that at all?" So not what I wanted to hear at that point. To know that they were cutting me open as I laid there wide awake was pretty surreal. Especially considering the fact that they had my arms and legs strapped down to the table. Good thing there was something in the iv that seemed to make me relax. In fact, I felt more relaxed during the surgery than I had been for days. About half way through the surgery, I started to get a little nervous and I know that Cory could sense it so he reached over and started to massage my scalp (he knows that doing that is the best way to calm me down, and it did). I laid there anxiously awaiting to hear one thing...her cry. The cry that I never got to hear with Clairisa, the cry that I had dreamed about night after night, the cry that would solidify the fact that I had a very alive and healthy baby, the cry that would calm all my fears. When the cry came, the tears from my own eyes began to gush. Her cry was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard. The nurses took her and my mom and Cory rushed over to watch them as they did all of the things that they do to a brand new baby. I could hardly stand it. All I wanted was to see her, to touch her, to hold her in my arms and never let her go. When they finally brought her over to me, I felt a surge of emotions run all through me, but I still just yearned for her body to be laid in my arms, to feel her heartbeat pulsating and bringing new life to my own.

After the best part was over, I had to lay there forever! In fact, I asked my mom how long she though it took for them to stitch me all up and she said, "it took forever". She was sitting on the side of me just trying to focus on the joy of birth instead of the fact that they had just cut open her daughter. Cory, on the other hand, was watching with curious excitement as the doctor took out my uterus in order to show all of the other doctors what a classical c-section incision looks like. Cory's response..."it looks like a chicken". My mom actually got curious enough and finally peeked over and looked at "the chicken". It is kind of weird to know that my husband and mother have seen my uterus and fallopian tubes. In a strange way, I feel a stronger attachment to them both now. After the stitching was finally completed, they wheeled my bed into the recovery room where I was greeted by some of my very people in the whole world, my two beautiful daughters and my in-laws. Then the long-awaited moment arrived, they placed my beautiful baby girl into my arms. It was a moment of great anticipation, emotion, and joy. It was one of those moments where I thought my heart was going to burst open. An experience and moment that words fail to describe or explain. The following hours and days were incredible. Although the nurses forgot about my meds over and over again, my incision stung, the breastfeeding was painful.... it was still incredible!!! I have never felt so much peace and gratitude. In fact, in one of those early morning hours in my hospital bed, as I laid awake staring down at my own little piece of heaven, I felt as if Clairisa's spirit was right there with me, as if the veil was lifted for just a moment and I could feel the love and bond of two beautiful and perfect spirits.

Recovery has been like it always is, difficult, tiresome, and painful...but it has also been one of the best weeks of my life. To have a baby so fresh from heaven in my home is the ultimate healing balm, the greatest gift a mother could ever receive. This Valentines Day was one where I felt not only an increase of love for my beautiful daughters, INCREDIBLY selfless and loving husband, and for one of my greatest heroes...my own mother, but also for my Savior. As I look into Hailey's eyes, I feel His love. I feel the greatest love known to man, a love that can permeate every part of our life and fill our souls with the most incredible joy. Hailey's story is not over, it has only begun, and I have a feeling that her mission is a great one. One that has already begun in her first week of life as she has brought healing and joy to our little family in the most miraculous way.

Hailey's Birth Story Part I

I have really been procrastinating blogging about this last week for many reasons. First of all, I have been a little distracted by a beautiful and perfect little baby girl. Secondly, it is not a quick story...that just doesn't seem to fit my personality (which is why Facebook and I don't quite fit right together). And thirdly, because it is hard to put into words, but I need to at least try because I don't want to ever forget what I have experienced and felt over the last week. So, I am going to break it up into sections. Here is Part I....

The last time that I went to my doctor's office before Hailey was born, I took Cory with me because I wanted him to be there to help me to be tough and to tell the doctor that I really was nervous about waiting until the 12th because I was having so many contractions. But, I didn't even need Cory's help because as the doctor was asking me questions about how often I was having contractions, he immediately decided that we needed to act quicker. He told me that he wanted to deliver in a week (on Thursday the 4th). Well, Cory (who was there to help me get my way) says, "actually, doctor, do you think we could push it back a day to Friday because I will be out of town at a conference all week and I won't be home until early Friday morning." I couldn't believe it!!! I knew that he was supposed to be out of town, but really?? Push the day BACK????!! NO WAY!! Then the doctor said, "well, that should be fine but let me check my schedule first." At this point, I almost went into hysterics. I couldn't believe that they were only concerned about making this work for their schedules. What about me??? After leaving the doctor's office and giving Cory a piece of my mind...I finally agreed that Friday would be okay.

Cory left on Tuesday and oh how the contractions began. I seriously did not know if I was going to make it until Friday. I had Cory give me a priesthood blessing before he left and I begged and pleaded in prayers all week long that I wouldn't go into labor without Cory there. My mom started her drive from Texas on Wednesday, but after hearing about my horrible contraction-filled night on Tuesday (I seriously almost had a panic attack because I was home alone with my girls and had no idea how to even get to the hospital downtown...pretty lame, I know). My mom decided to drive straight through instead of stopping over night so she got to my house Wednesday evening. It was quite a relief to know that she was there just in case something did happen, but I also knew that I did not want to go through this experience without Cory by my side. I needed him with me. I truly believe that the fact that I made it all the way until Friday was a miracle and I know that it was divine intervention, a loving Father in heaven who knew that I needed to have Cory with me. I needed him there for many obvious reasons, but I also needed him there for many other reasons as well. Together we have endured some of the hardest times of our life and in so doing, we have recognized how strong we are when we are together. I know that sounds really cheesy, but it is kindof hard to explain. I had so many emotions that I was dealing with as I was mentally preparing myself to go into that dreaded surgery room. It was in that room that one of my worst fears became a reality and it was into that room where I was once more submitting my baby's life into the hands of a surgeon. I knew that everything would be alright, I had already received that witness, but I still had to deal with all of the anxieties and fears that somehow seem to subconsciously surface when you are placed in situations that are similar to ones that brought such deep emotion and trauma.

My prayers were answered and late Thursday night/early Friday morning, our home was filled with excitement as Cory and his parents both arrived. I could hardly sleep because of all of the thoughts that were racing through my head. To know that in just a short couple of hours, I would finally have a baby in my arms, brought me an overwhelming feeling of joy and excitement, although the fear was still pressing down on my heart. The next morning I woke up at 5 o'clock to get ready. Cory and his dad gave me a blessing and the words that Cory spoke brought me the most incredible feeling of peace and strength. At that point, I knew that there was no reason to fear and every reason to rejoice and soak in each of the unforgettable moments that would follow that blessing.

To be continued....

Hailey's Birth Story Part I

I have really been procrastinating blogging about this last week for many reasons. First of all, I have been a little distracted by a beautiful and perfect little baby girl. Secondly, it is not a quick story...that just doesn't seem to fit my personality, anyways (which is why Facebook and I don't quite fit right together). And thirdly, because it is hard to put into words, but I need to at least try because I don't want to ever forget what I have experienced and felt over the last week. So, I am going to break it up into sections. Here is Part I....

The last time that I went to my doctor's office before Hailey was born, I took Cory with me because I wanted him to be there to help me to be tough and to tell the doctor that I really was nervous about waiting until the 12th because I was having so many contractions. But, I didn't even need Cory's help because as the doctor was asking me questions about how often I was having contractions he immediately decided that we needed to act quicker. He told me that he wanted to deliver in a week (on Thursday the 4th). Well, Cory (who was there to help me get my way) says, "actually, doctor, do you think we could push it back a day to Friday because I will be out of town at a conference all week and I won't be home until early Friday morning." I couldn't believe it!!! I knew that he was supposed to be out of town, but really?? Push the day BACK????!! NO WAY!! Then the doctor said, "well, that should be fine but let me check my schedule first." At this point, I almost went into hysterics. I couldn't believe that they were only concerned about making this work for their schedules. What about me??? After leaving the doctor's office and giving Cory a piece of my mind...I finally agreed that Friday would be okay. So Cory left on Tuesday and oh how the contractions began. I seriously did not know if I was going to make it until Friday. I had Cory give me a priesthood blessing before he left and I begged and pleaded in prayers all week long that I wouldn't go into labor without Cory there. My mom started her drive from Texas on Wednesday, but after hearing about my horrible contraction-filled night on Tuesday (I seriously almost had a panic attack because I was home alone with my girls and had no idea how to even get to the hospital downtown...pretty lame, I know). My mom decided to drive straight through instead of stopping over night so she got to my house Wednesday evening. It was quite a relief to know that she was there just in case something did happen, but I also knew that I did not want to go through this experience without Cory by my side. I needed him with me. I truly believe that the fact that I made it all the way until Friday was a miracle and I know that it was divine intervention, a loving Father in heaven who knew that I needed to have Cory with me. I needed him there for many obvious reasons, but I also needed him there for many other reasons as well. Together we have endured some of the hardest times of our life and in so doing, we have recognized how strong we are when we are together. I know that sounds really cheesy, but it is kindof hard to explain. I had so many emotions that I was dealing with as I was mentally preparing myself to go into that dreaded surgery room. It was in that room that one of my worst fears became a reality and it was into that room where I was once more submitting my baby's life into the hands of a surgeon. I knew that everything would be alright, I had already received that witness, but I still had to deal with all of the anxieties and fears that somehow seem to subconsciously surface when you are placed in situations that are similar to ones that brought such deep emotion and trauma. My prayers were answered and late Thursday night/early Friday morning, our home was filled with excitement as Cory and his parents both arrived

She really, really, really did come!!!!!! (Journaling will come soon)

"Is she really, really, really going to come?"

This is the question that Cloey asked me the other day while we were waiting for Katelund at the bus stop. No, she was not talking about Katelund coming home, she was referring to Hailey, who is now scheduled to come this Friday. That's right...THIS FRIDAY!!!! I laughed at her seriousness of the comment and then was overcome with emotion as I joyfully answered, "yes honey, she is really really coming." All though I have to admit that this question has popped into my head over and over again since this particular conversation. There is excitement and anticipation all in the air. It is always exciting to have a baby, but this time it is different. It's hard to explain, but it just is. This weekend we were at Sam's Club and Cory wanted to go look at the baby clothes (I seriously have to control him because he is SO GIDDY and he wants to buy everything baby that he sees). As we were all looking through the clothes and choosing our favorites, I ran across one that said on the shirt, "Mommy's dream come true". I just sat there holding it to my chest and cried.

I have four more days to get my house ready for company and a baby. I have got a lot to do, but the most important things are already done. Thanks to my sweet sister-in-law, amazing parents, grandparents, siblings, and a couple of close friends...I have my dream nursery all set up. Every new item that was mailed to me brought more and more tears of gratitude and love. It meant the world to me because with Clairisa I was finally going to get the nursery of my dreams thanks to my wonderful husband, sister, and friends who had been secretly working on it while I was in the hospital on bed rest. When I came home empty-handed, I asked them to lock the door to the beautifully painted and perfect nursery because I just couldn't bear to see it. A couple of weeks later, I was finally ready to see it. Cory took me into the most beautiful room I had ever seen. We sat on the ground and just sobbed in each others' arms. We ended up putting the girls into "Clairisa's room" because I couldn't stand the thought of it being empty. So to know that I finally have my long-awaited nursery, is yet another dream come true.

So as I anxiously await Friday, I am having a hard time wanting to do anything because I just keep walking back into her room and asking myself again and again with a smile on my face and an overwhelming amount of joy in my heart, "Is she really, really, really going to come?"

Star Struck

Around Christmas, there was a girl in our ward who was home for the holidays from BYU. She got up and bore her testimony and as she did Katelund started going crazy. She thought that the girl who was speaking was Miley Cyrus herself. She couldn't believe it! It was so funny and so cute at how star struck she was. I tried to tell her that it wasn't her (although I could see the similarities in her looks and her voice) but she was not giving up hope that she was listening to Miley Cyrus bearing her testimony. After sacrament meeting, I took Katelund over to the girl so that she could meet her but Katelund was SO SHY (which is SO not like her) and she wouldn't even unwrap her arms from around my legs. But, we actually had to wait in line because of another little girl who was standing with her daddy waiting in line for her chance to meet the one and only Mormon Hannah Montana! :)

Another Conversation with Cloey

Last night, Cloey and I were eating dinner together (Katelund was finishing up a chore she had not done earlier and Cory is out of town). After a couple of bites of our delicious macaroni and cheese (definitely my kind of dinner when it's just me and the girls), the following conversation took place...

Cloey: "Mommy, I need to talk to you."

Me: "Okay, what is it honey?"

Cloey: "Today a boy at preschool told me that he wanted to marry me." (as she ducks her head in embarrassment)

Me: (trying desperately hard not to laugh) "Do you want to marry him?"

Cloey: "No!"

Me: "Then tell him you don't want to marry him."

Cloey: pauses and thinks about it for a moment and then sincerely says the following, "Mommy, why didn't you wait longer so that I could marry Daddy?"

Three Weeks

That's it....three weeks. It seems like no time, and yet it seems like eternity!!!! My belly button has completely come out and my skin is stretched to its max. My heartburn is at an all-time uncontrollable high and my back and feet are giving out on me. The nesting is in high gear and Cory's to-do list is starting to shrink. The contractions are irregular and not very intense, but they are here nonetheless. My nights are pretty much sleepless and my bladder is basically acting like a running faucet. I AM SO READY!!!! And yet I am so nervous. I am nervous about having a C-section, I am nervous that something is going to go wrong, and I am nervous about going into that operating room again. I am just nervous, anxious, uncontrollably excited, and impatient all at the same time.

Basketball and Pride

Last night the girls and I went to a local middle school to watch Cory play basketball. He has been playing on a city league and it has been a lot of fun to go to his games and watch him play. About 5 minutes before the end of the game, a guy on the other team fouled one of the guys on our team. I am not sure what all took place but I could tell that both of them were really upset. They got into each other's faces and started yelling. At this point, the referee and Cory were positioning themselves between them in order to break up what seemed to be an inevitable fist fight. Each of the players were escorted off of the court in order to calm themselves down on the sideline. Within a couple of minutes, everything was back to normal. They were both back in the game again and the playing continued until the buzzer sounded. At the end of the game, the teams joined in the middle of the court to shake hands and congratulate one another on a good game. As I was gathering up all of our coats, stuffed animals, purses, phones, shoes, bags, drinks, wrappers, etc, my attention was drawn to the middle of the court where the two men (who had acted like boys and came really close to throwing each other down) went up to one another with smiles on their faces, shook hands, patted backs, and walked off the court together as if they had just become the best of friends. I was totally mesmerized by this scene. For ten years, I have watched Cory play basketball, softball, football, and any other sport that includes a ball, and I still stand in shock and amazement each time that I have witnessed a similar scenario to the one described above. How do they do it? If it had been a bunch of women playing basketball, I can almost guarantee that is not how it would've ended. They would've been staring each other down and talking about how horrible the other girl was for days, maybe even longer. Right? Maybe I am wrong, but it seems to me that to girls it is all personal....on the basketball court or not. Why is that?

This morning I was listening to a talk about pride. And of course, in doing so, I realized how prideful I can be. I loved one of the lines in the talk. She said, "pride is not about thinking less of yourself, it is thinking less about yourself. Pride is such a horrible and destructive sin and it is also really hard to recognize in yourself. As I have been thinking about pride and all of its unwelcome appearances in my own life, I was thinking about ways to overcome it. What do you do? Obviously serving others is a big one, but I think that there are many other ways as well. Any thoughts or ideas?

On Omnipotence

How do you explain to your children why prayers are not answered in the way that you'd hoped or why someone they love has to suffer?

Last week we found out that someone, whom my children absolutely adore, had a miscarriage. On the day that I found out last week, my heart just ached for this couple. I knew that I needed to tell my girls, but I wasn't sure how. Before we said our family prayers that night, I explained to them that this person had lost their baby. Both of them immediately had tears welling up in their eyes and within seconds Katelund had completely lost it. She was so upset. I had no idea that she would take it so hard and then as I held her in my arms, contemplating what on earth I could say to comfort her broken little heart, I realized that losing a baby was something that she could truly empathize with and that the pain and heartache was very real and personal to her because of our own experience with losing a baby. Even days later, she was still asking questions and trying to deal with what exactly happened and why. Without any encouragement, she and Cloey continue to pray for this sweet couple in their prayers almost everyday.

Last week I also found out that my aunt and uncle, who have tried unsuccessfully for many years to have a baby, had finally found a baby girl to adopt. As an extended family, we were all so excited for them! They flew out to Virginia this last weekend to be there for the birth, but the father, who had signed the adoption papers decided not to go forward with it. As I read the updated news this morning on Facebook, my heart once again broke for this couple. They even got to hold the baby, take pictures of her, and I'm sure that in their hearts they immediately felt that bond of love that is inseparable. After so many prayers on their behalf, they are coming home empty-handed. As a family we have prayed for this adoption to work out and have anxiously awaited for the good news, but now I have to explain to my children, and to myself, why a prayer wasn't answered in the way that we had hoped.

Although at the time it just hurt, as I have looked back on our own experience of loss, I have found so much hope and faith in understanding and recognizing that there is a plan for all of us and that each trial and experience, for good or bad, is used to mold us and refine us into the person that we have the potential of becoming. Understanding the omnipotence of our Heavenly Father, knowing that he sees the end from the beginning, brings me so much peace and confidence that when I have to look into the tear-filled eyes of my tender-hearted daughters, I can confidently tell them that everything will be okay and that we must have faith in our Heavenly Father's plan. The Lord is in control. All things are known to him and to Him these trials that we face are but a small moment, and in the whole eternal scheme of things, they have their own particular purpose for helping us to become more faithful, humble, and dependant upon the One who knows what is truly best for us. It really is all about becoming. Although each trial and experience are tailor fit to each child, I know that the master seamster knows how to put our heart back together again....which truly is one of the greatest miracles of all.

Fun at the Park

Yesterday I decided to brave the freezing arctic weather and take the girls to the park. Funny....we were the only ones who had that idea so we had the whole park to ourselves. It was SOOOO cold but that didn't stop the girls from having fun. We had a picnic and played for about 45 minutes and then on the way home I stopped at the Dollar store and let them pick out a treat. On the drive home Cloey said, "mom this was the funnest day ever!" It's amazing how easy it is to please a 4 and 6 year old. It is moments like these that I wish I could keep them little forever!

Did you know....

...that if you wear your pajamas inside out when you go to bed and put a spoon under your pillow that it will snow the next day? [ That is what Katelund told me on Wednesday when she came home from school. Apparently....it works because it started snowing on our way home from the dentist yesterday around noon and it continued on all through the evening. I have never heard of this before, but I think it must be some kind of southern thing because everyone around here seems to know about it. ]

...that if you spend your day cleaning and organizing your children's room until it is perfect and spotless, that they will destroy it in less than 5 minutes?

...that if your husband is out of town that it is perfectly okay to have chocolate chip cookies and milk for dinner?

....that when I look down at my feet, all that I can see are my my toes?

...that I spent about 45 minutes today playing Mariocart so that I can keep up with my family and stop losing at every race?

...that I am so in love with the new Allstate Insurance commercial (isn't it Allstate that has President Palmer from 24 doing the talking?)

...that I love the smell of garages?

...that Cloey has changed her outfit about 10 times today?

...that I am so ready to start throwing stuff away because I am seriously nesting and feeling the need to declutterize (that's a word, right) everything!

...that I have spent about an hour writing this post because my attention keeps getting diverted?

I bet you feel so much more enlightened now.

2010

I love the beginning of a new year. I love the whole idea of recommitting, refocusing, and reprioritizing (I totally just made up that word...my spell check is telling me it doesn't work, but I think it does). I love change and I always have. I go crazy when my life is so predictable and monotonous that I feel like I am living in the movie Groundhog Day. Which is why I have actually really enjoyed living in so many different places in our 9 1/2 years of marriage. Although I find joy in change and newness, I struggle when it comes to making changes within myself. I am so grateful to know that through the enabling and redemptive power of the atonement, I can change. But, it is still not always easy, in fact, it can be a lot of work because I think that the key to making permanent changes in behavior and attitude is consistency (and of course lots of repentance and prayer). It's not that I am doing anything really bad but there are so many things about my character that are flawed and there is a lot of room for improvement. So for the sake of a new year and in the spirit of making resolutions...here are some things that I will be consistently working on in 2010.

1. I don't want to miss one single day of scripture reading.


2. I want to really put forth more effort into being a better homemaker (this includes; learning how to make homemade wheat bread {thanks mom for the wheat grinder], spend more quality time teaching and playing with my children, beautify our home, be more frugal, focus on being more healthy, and of course....BE MORE ORGANIZED (that is on my list every year...but I really do think I am getting better).

3. I want to continue my efforts in learning the gospel even better. I am so excited to study the Old Testament this year in Sunday School. I have really been immersing myself into studying lately. I think that the more I learn the more I want to learn more! Does that make any sense? I just finished reading Orson Scott Card's book, "Stone Tables" (SO GOOD). It is a religious fictional book about Moses. I also read "Sarah" not too long ago (about Abraham and Sarah). I love to learn through historical fiction!!! I strongly recommend both of those books. I am now currently reading "Joseph Smith A Rough Stone Rolling" (also, very good!) and "Women of the Old Testament". I feel like there are so many things that I don't know and the more that I learn the more that I realize this. Whenever I listen to a General Authority speak, I am in awe of their vast knowledge of the scriptures and of historical events. It is such a admirable quality, one that I would like to develop, even if it is just a fraction of their knowledge.

4. I would like to be more humble and less selfish. I am so guilty of being prideful. I know that it is a stumbling block for me in many ways. This one is going to take a lot of work and a lot of heavenly help, but I also know that it is something I really need to work on.

So there you have it...my goals for 2010. This year is a big year for me. It is the year that I will be turning 30, the year that I will celebrate 10 years of marriage, and the year that I will be a mother of four beautiful little girls. I don't know what is in store for me or my family this year or what challenges and trials we will face, but I do know that I am going in strong and determined to make this year one of change and improvement; one filled with love, faith, and hope for the future. When I took Cloey to the doctor recently, he told me that his son had decided to not have any children because "why would somebody want to bring an innocent child into this corrupt world?". I told the doctor that I would, because I know that there is a lot of evil and corruption in our world and government, but I also know that the Lord is in charge. I know in whom I trust, and because of that, I don't think there is any need to fear the future. Yes, there is a lot of evil in the world, but there is also a lot of good!!

Today in YWs I introduced the 2010 mutual theme which is found in Joshua 1:9...."Be strong and of a good courage: be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee withersoever thou goest." I can't think of a more perfect theme for not only the youth, but also for me.

So here's to being courageous, making changes, and looking for the good in 2010!

A Conversation with Cloey

Cloey: "Daddy, Katelund really hurt my feelings."

Cory: "What happened?"

Cloey: "Katelund called me a cheater cheater pants on fire."

Cory: "Well you go tell her cheater cheater pumpkin eater."

Cloey: "No, Daddy. I don't want to hurt Katelund's feelings."

Christmas 2009

Picture 1- some ornaments I made for an ornament exchange party we went to.
Picture 2- Santa once again left his "magic snow" this year. (It's magic b/c it doesn't melt because it is from the North Pole)
Picture 3 and 4- one of our Christmas Eve traditions....Cory reading the Polar Express while we listen in our pajamas and drink our hot chocolate.



We had such a wonderful Christmas this year. Although we did not have any family with us (sob, sob), we had so much fun just being our own little family and doing our own traditions. It couldn't have been more magical and perfect. This year we really tried to have all of our fun traditions on Christmas Eve and then we saved our special traditions for Christmas day. So many times I feel like we do it all on Christmas Eve and then Christmas Day is just spent playing with all of the new toys. So we spent the morning playing and then that afternoon we had Christmas dinner with the missionaries and then read the Mann family traditional book, "That Thine Alms May Be in Secret" (which is SO GOOD and such a tear-jerker....it even chokes Cory up). Then we sang Christmas carols together and focused on what Christmas means to us as a family. I think we'll be doing Christmas like this every year. It was perfect.

Cory went back to work today and so now I am totally going through withdrawals! I love having him home, although I am SO GRATEFUL that he has a job! I guess now that he is back to work that means that I must go back to work as well...laundry, dusting, mopping...you know all the fun stuff. I think the "nesting" feelings are starting to surface because I have got all sorts of projects that I want to start in January. I am getting SO EXCITED to have a little baby in our home!!!!!! Six (or less) weeks to go!!!!

Christmas lists and my doctor appointment (they don't really go together, do they?)

Christmas shopping.....went with Cory last night as a date (we had so MUCH FUN, and we got it all done in 2 1/2 hours

Wrapping....almost done, it's okay to let the girls watch movies all day while I wrap presents, right???

Christmas cards....what Christmas cards? (I've decided to send out baby announcements in Feb. instead)

family picture....why do it now when we could do it with a little baby in our arms?

Christmas baking....why not do it tomorrow as a family?

Don't you just love all of my justification for not doing all of the "things" that should be done at this time of year? As a family, we decided to simplify Christmas this year. I made all of the Christmas presents for all of my siblings and Cory's siblings (although, they won't get them until after Christmas) and for Cory's home teaching families, Katelund's school teacher, a close friend, and for all of the young women, but other than that....I'm not going completely out this year because I just want to enjoy the holidays. I want to enjoy being pregnant (even with all of the aches, pains, and tiredness that come along with the third trimester), I want to enjoy being with my children, and I don't want to be a complete emotional disaster when Cory comes home every evening. I just want to enjoy the feeling of love and excitement during the Christmas season. So...the Christmas goodies and cards will just have to wait for next year.

Okay, so on to the details of my doctor's appointment...but first I need to preface a little. In trying to save Clairisa (when my placenta abrupted at 28 weeks), my doctor did a classical C-section in order to get to her as quickly as possible. If you don't know what that is...it is a vertical cut that starts below my belly button and goes down about 4 inches (although it has gotten a lot longer as my stomach has expanded). This type of incision is not normally used anymore because it is more dangerous (b/c of blood loss to mother) and it heals a lot slower. Because I have this type of incision, there is no chance of me ever having a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarian) because there is a greater chance of my uterus rupturing during labor. My doctor in Asheville told me that any pregnancies I would have after Clairisa would have to not only be cesarian, but I would have to deliver a couple of weeks early to prevent my uterus from rupturing. So...my doctor here has been telling me that he will deliver me 2-3 weeks early. But, then this week he told me that he feels like we should try to hold out until week 39 so that Hailey does not have any problems with premature lungs. But, in order for me to make it to week 39, I cannot go into pre-term labor and I cannot have more than 3 contractions/hour.

I understand where my doctor is coming from and trust me I don't want Hailey to have to be on a ventilator or anything, BUT....I also want a baby that is alive. Maybe I am just speaking out of fear, but I would much rather have a premature baby than no baby at all! If my uterus were to rupture, then I could lose the baby (in fact, I could die as well). Maybe I am just being overly paranoid or overly anxious to have my baby in my arms, but I just feel afraid again. Afraid that I am going to lose another baby. When I was just beginning this pregnancy, I mercifully received that feeling of peace in knowing that all will be well, but right now I am just letting fear get the best of me. I will just continue to pray for that peace to return because I know that everything is in the Lord's hands, I just need to have more faith. More faith in my doctor (whom I searched, researched, and prayed for the right one for many weeks) and more faith in the Lord who can make miracles happen.