Remembering Clairisa....5 years later

Last year, my mother in law encouraged me to enter an essay contest for a magazine. The topic was "The Moment or Day that Changed Everything". Although nothing came of it, I am grateful that it is written down because it is one of those times that is really hard to write about it, but needs to be recorded. I thought today would be the perfect day to post it on my blog.

There are hundreds of thousands of moments in one’s life. Some come and go and may seem as inconsequential as the ticking sound of a clock. But then there are others-the ones that can alter the course of a life. I believe that each of the moments in our lives-the mundane and the monumental-are significant. The combination of these moments defines who we are, and ultimately, who we will become. Some of the most powerful and important lessons I have learned in my life have come from moments that seemed terrible and inescapable. But today, they stand as pillars of strength and beacons of light as they have defined my character and refined my spirit.

One of those moments took place years ago on a humid July morning. Although this moment took place within about two hours, in retrospect, it seems as if it was the longest, yet shortest, moment of my life. I remember the exact dress I was wearing. In fact it still hangs in my closet today, although it has never been washed or worn again. I remember the silver beaded earrings and matching necklace that I was wearing. I remember that I had to force myself to wear make-up, put jewelry on, and put mousse in my hair as I had gotten ready that morning. I remember pulling up and seeing all of our friends and family gathered under the tent waiting for us to get out of the car. But, I couldn’t move. Physically, and emotionally, it hurt to move. In my mind, all I was thinking was that at some point I was going to wake up and realize that this was just a nightmare. There was no way that this was really happening, and so there was no reason I needed to get out of the car. We were parked at the base of a small hill. In front of us stood the most beautiful willow tree I had ever seen. The long flowing branches hung down and gently waved back and forth in the wind. My emotions seemed to be just as vulnerable and yet, my body felt anything but flexible. I felt stiff and numb. I turned my head and began scanning the crowd in search of my daughters, who were sitting in their chairs waiting for us to join them. Katelund, our oldest, was just weeks away from her fifth birthday. Sitting next to her was our three year old, Cloey. Cloey had no idea what had been going on over the last month. In her innocent three-year old mind she was just as happy as ever as she contentedly sat next to both of her grandmas and grandpas. Katelund, on the other hand, knew that something was very wrong in her little world. I could see it all over her innocent, beautiful face. I knew that I needed to go and sit next to her, but I just didn’t know if I had the strength to do it.

I was sitting in the back seat of the car next to my husband, Cory. I looked over at him and saw in his eyes exactly what I felt in my own heart. I saw agony, sorrow, and confusion. I saw exhaustion, weakness, and a whole new level of vulnerability. It seemed as if his face had aged. There were lines of worry and stress that I had never noticed before. His eyes were swollen and red from the seemingly endless tears that had been shed over the last week. And yet, behind the stress, exhaustion, and sorrow, I also saw strength. I thought of the tender moment that we had shared earlier that morning as he had helped me into the shower and washed my hair. I thought of his gentle hands as he replaced the bloody gauze and tape that had been secured over my incision. I thought of his warm embrace as he stood in the shower with me and held me in his arms as I cried in agony, not only for the physical pain I was enduring, but also for the event that I knew was coming. The last year of our marriage had been anything but easy. We were tested and tried on a level that we had never experienced. We had a better understanding of what it meant to completely submit to one another and to learn to trust and rely on each other in a way that we hadn’t known before. As the memories of hardship and sweet forgiveness rushed through my body, he must have known what I was thinking. He lovingly intertwined his fingers with mine and pulled my face toward his. Once again, the faucet of tears started flowing. At this point, I would’ve thought that there would be no more tears to cry, but there must have been a reserve reservoir. Through the ugly sobs that were escaping my throat, the uncontrollable heaving that had taken over my chest, and the most intense and horrific pain that was coming from the six inch incision that ran vertically down my lower abdomen, somehow I uttered out the words, “I can’t do this.” As lovingly and reassuringly as he could, Cory squeezed my hands and said six words that have repeatedly rung through my heart and soul ever since he uttered them those many years ago. “I know, but together we can.”

The following hour was filled with many more tears, heaving, and pain. But, there were also other emotions. As my father spoke, I felt as if I was transported back to my childhood, to a time when my whole world revolved around the comforting and reassuring words of my parents. I needed those words and those feelings more in that moment than I ever would have imagined. I began to believe that my life actually would move on from this day, and that I could be happy once again. The beautiful peaceful words and music continued as my faith and hope in a day of reunion was restored. The sweet tears of joy gushed out of my eyes as I felt a strength within me that I hadn’t known for days. Next was the moment I had been waiting for, her song to be sung. My thoughts took me back to our hospital room where we spent our one and only day with Clairisa. We kept the room as cold as the thermostat would go, so we could keep her for as long as possible. With each passing hour, her skin got darker and darker as the evidence of death set in. As the time approached for us to say our final goodbyes, everyone left the room so Cory and I could be alone. As Cory gently embraced her stiff body and held her sunken chest against his, he started to sing. As is custom with each of our children, he had chosen her song. His voice was trembling and the notes hardly came out, but I had never heard anything more beautiful. As the chorus approached, I joined in as together we sang the prayer of our hearts, “Till we meet again, till we meet. Till we meet at Jesus’ feet. God be with you till we meet again.”

The memory of that moment in the hospital room was so powerful and so sweet. I clasped Cory’s hands as tightly as I could as we sat there amongst our family and friends and remembered together. But then, the moment I had dreaded had come. The little casket that held the beautiful and perfect baby that I had carried for 28 weeks would never be opened again. All that I had was the memory of holding her lifeless cold body on my chest for the first and last time. I remembered looking at her face and praying that for just one second she could open her eyes so that I could see within the windows of her soul. For the last month, I had lived and breathed by the sound of her heartbeat as I laid in a hospital bed praying that the bleeding would subside and that we would both make it to the 28th week, with a 90% survival rate. But instead, here I was standing underneath a majestic weeping willow tree trying to figure out how a mother was supposed to just leave her baby to be buried in the ground with only a small plaque to be remembered by. All I could do was stand there and weep. As each person individually expressed their sorrow and love, they instinctively reached out and embraced me in a hug. Although their love and affection were appreciated, even their embrace brought intense physical pain to my post partum body. The bleeding that had plagued my pregnancy from the 19th week, now seemed to be gushing from my broken heart.

As I carefully fell into the backseat, after the service was over, I realized that my whole body was shaking. Physically and emotionally, I had hit a wall. My head was pounding and I felt completely empty inside, literally and figuratively. All I could think about was getting home to the comforting and familiar blankets on my bed. I wanted to crawl inside, pull them over my head, and lie there for the rest of my life. I didn’t want to move forward and I wasn’t ready to start healing. I just wanted to lie there broken and bleeding until there was no more blood or tears to shed. But then the sweet precious faces of my daughters came to my mind. I knew that for them I had to keep moving and I had to start healing. It was the first step in a very long and painful healing process.

The moments of that day were very dark ones for me. But even amongst all of the pain and darkness, there was still light-the light that comes from the love of others and from within the recesses of your own soul. That light is what guided me through such a dark moment. I knew as we drove away from that sacred ground under the willow tree where Clairisa’s body would be laid to rest for the remainder of my life, that someday I would see her again. I knew it then, and I know it now. The light that comes from this kind of faith and hope, somehow, eventually overtakes the darkness of despair. Cory was right. Together we made it through the most difficult time in our lives. With our hands embraced, we slowly picked our lives back up and with the Lord’s help we put our broken hearts back together again.

The longer the clock of my life ticks onward, the more I am discovering the importance of appreciating every moment. All of them are significant, but some of them will forever stand as pillars and beacons to all the rest. Although I have experienced suffering and sorrow in other ways throughout my life, those two hours are the ones that changed everything. They have changed how I mother the four children I have today. They have changed the level of compassion and empathy I feel for others who are suffering. They have given me greater faith and hope for the future. Even as painful as it was to endure, this moment in my life has become a source of strength and light. Although the incision has healed and my bleeding heart has been mended, there are still scars that will forever remind me of this moment. Sometimes, the moments that seem to take everything and leave you empty, are also the ones that give you more purpose and fill your heart with greater love. Even today, many years later, I am still holding on to those six words as I hold tightly to all those little hands reaching up to me and to the memory of the angel looking down upon me.

Singing at the Hospital

On Sunday, ten of us went to go and visit Brother Johnson in the hospital. Since Brother Johnson loves music, we chose six songs that we were going to sing to him. As we began our first song, I Am a Child of God, an incredible spirit rushed into the hospital room. It was amazing. Each of us were touched deeply, especially Brother Johnson. He was overcome with emotion, and so were we. As we continued to sing, the same powerful feeling remained in that room. At times it was hard to even get the notes out because of the emotions that were felt. I have never heard a YW group sound so beautiful and angelic. It was almost as if the veil was extra thin and the angels were singing and testifying with us of the love of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.

After we sang about five songs, Brother Johnson spoke up. He bore a powerful and heartfelt testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. He told the girls "to never forget that it is true". Listening to a man at the end of his life, in a hospital bed, bearing such a powerful testimony, was a moment that I will never forget. The very last song that we sang to him was God Be With You Till We Meet Again. After the first line or two, Brother Johnson joined in and sang with us. I don't think there was a dry eye in the room. It is hard to even put into words the feelings and emotions in that room. But, I know that everyone else that was in that room felt the same feeling within their heart. A feeling of complete peace, happiness, and renewed faith and love for the gospel of Jesus Christ.

As we were leaving his room, a woman down the hallway requested that we go sing to her mother as well. We chose about four songs to sing to this lady. She was laying on her bed with her eyes closed. You could tell that she was in pain because of the look on her face, but as we began to sing, a calmness and peace settled over her face and it seemed that her entire body was relaxed as she listened to us sing. There were three other women in the room. As the daughter listened she had tears in her eyes as she kept her face down and gently stroked her mother's hair. The other two women listened intently with their eyes closed and their hearts open to the feelings of the Spirit. It was such a beautiful experience. The daughter hugged each of us afterwards and offered us chocolate. We were able to tell them of the church that we belonged to as we quietly left. Hopefully, these women will one day run into the Mormon missionaries. I have no doubt that when they do, they will remember what they felt in that hospital room.

Before we left, we sang to one last lady across the hallway. Her name was Mrs. B. She was a beautiful, old, and lively woman who was so grateful to hear our songs. We sang three songs to her and before we left we told her who we were and then we also gave her a pass along card. Marlie got really bold and even asked her if "she would be willing to listen to a brief presentation."

As we walked down the hallway to the elevator I felt so much love for these young women. They were the best missionaries I had ever seen. Their testimonies were shared in one of the most powerful ways, through music. Mallory put her arms around me and said what I think we were all feeling at that moment. She said, "Sister Mann, I want to do this every Sunday." I believe that this is what it means to be a disciple of Jesus Christ. Feeling the spirit of missionary work and service is one of the sweetest experiences in mortality. As I drove home after dropping off young women, I felt so much gratitude in my heart. How grateful I am to be alive and healthy, to be a member of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and to be surrounded by some of the most beautiful spirits on earth. These girls are truly amazing. I hope they will always remember who they are and that just as Brother Johnson testified, that this gospel is true.

Life Right Now

Last week was Makayla's second birthday. I seriously cannot believe that she is already two, and yet, I feel like she has been in my life and in our family forever. She is such a ray of sunshine in my life. She is one of the sweetest and well-mannered two year olds ever! But, watch out if she is around kids her own age or younger, because she turns into a little bully. I guess she just feels the need to let the other kids know that all though she is TINY, she can hold her own. She speaks WAY more than any of my other girls did at her age. She can even count to five. My very favorite thing is to hear her pray. She has the most beautiful little features and she is often told that she looks just like a little baby doll. But, she definitely knows how to be mischevious. One of her favorite past times is to lather her hair, clothes, and body down with soap, shampoo, vasoline, or lotion. I guess she just likes to have clean and smooth skin. Together, her and Hailey are TROUBLE!!!

Hailey is three now. She is super active and still climbing into and onto everything. The greatest thing we've ever bought for our kids is a trampoline. Whenever she can she is outside jumping like crazy. She is also quite the little gymnast. She puts on "shows" all the time where she dances, does handstand, and "somersaults". It is basically a flip. People go crazy when they watch her do it. It is really quite impressive. She also does the splits (which are also very impressive). She loves to play on "her phone" (aka MY phone), play pretend, dress up, anything outside and active, and she is quite the comedian. She loves to make people laugh. My very favorite thing she does is when we are reading books. At the end of the book she always says, "Amen". There is no way that I'm going to tell her that what you actually say is "the end". She keeps things exciting in our home and is constantly amazing me with her skills. She can count almost to 20 and she points out letters all the time (her favorite one being H of course).

Cloey turned eight in April. She was baptized in the exact same baptismal font that I was. We were so blessed to have so much family there, especially since it was the same weekend as my cousin, Ciera's wedding. The family that attended was Grandma and Grandpa Black, Grandma Mann, Aunt Andrea, Abby, Ethan, Great Grandma Black, Aunt Katie, Uncle Jason, Callie, Madison, Aunt Brittney, Landon, Kylin, my Aunt Amy and Uncle Steve, my Aunt Nancy and Uncle Mike, Kayla, Alyssa, Jenna and family, and Shanna and family. It was pretty awesome to go from the temple the day before to watch Ciera and Adam receiving the sealing ordinance and then to be part of Cloey receiving her baptismal ordinance the next day. Two of the most special days in a girls' life. Cloey was SO excited to be baptized. Her and Katelund sang like angels, just like they did at Katelund's baptism, as they sang the song "When I am Baptized". Grandpa Black spoke on baptism and Grandma Mann spoke on the Holy Ghost. After the baptism, we had all of our family and friends go to the park and we had lunch made for everyone. It was such a beautiful day, one that I know I will never forget. At the luncheon, when we had gathered everyone around for the prayer, Cory said, "Well now that Katelund and Cloey are baptized we only have three more to go." It took everyone a minute to catch on, but pretty soon they realized that we were indeed making an announcement.

Katelund is the best big sister ever. Her ability to love and care for her younger sisters just amazes me. She is growing and learning so quickly, it is so crazy to think that she will be ten in less than a month. In September, she will be attending an Intermediate school for 5th grade where she will be wearing a uniform. I am scared to death to see her leaving the safety and comfort of elementary school. She just received a letter in the mail last week telling us that because of her test scores she has qualified to be in the advanced reading and english class this year. She was SO excited!! She told me that this year she just wants to do good in school and be a nerd. I really hope she sticks to that plan. :) Unlike Cloey, who has a million friends, Katelund is a lot more selective and has had a harder time making close friends. Really, her sisters are her best friends, which makes me SO SO happy!

I am in my 17th week of pregnancy. I kept telling myself that I was just going to enjoy this final pregnancy, but it is really hard to do when I feel so yucky most of the time. Some days are better than others, but I'm definitely anxious for this sick stuff to go away. I am definitely showing now, which is way better than just looking fat. Despite the sickness and tiredness, the first trimester actually went by pretty quickly since I spent it in Mexico on a cruise with my sisters and mom, at girls camp with 30 fun and adorable young women, and Sea World for our summer family vacation. I would get sick each night, but for the most part I was extremely blessed with a lot of good days. Although I am done traveling for the summer, entertaining four children plus my calling as YW president keeps me very busy. I am also taking a Family History class right now which I am loving. I have really been getting into doing family history work. I have a lot to learn but I am enjoying the process and definitely feeling the power and blessings of doing such an important and vital work. I am still running every morning but it takes me about an hour and a half to do six miles because of the intermitent gagging and walking. It is definitely getting harder as my belly grows bigger, but I'm going to do it for as long as I can. I have found some really great running buddies, three young women who graduated this last year and are all leaving me in the fall for BYU. We meet at 6 am each morning. There is nothing better than starting your day with good company, a beautiful sunrise, and a good run.

Cory is loving his job. He has done such a great job as a general manager for the mall here. It keeps him really busy but he still finds the time to play. He has coached the girls' soccer team for the last two seasons and he has signed up to do it once again this fall. He also regularly plays basketball with a group of guys here, and of course he has continued his passion for mountain biking. He usually runs or bikes during his lunch break and then many nights he comes home and gets another run or bike ride in. He has lost tons of weight over the last year and is healthier than he has been for a long time. I'm so proud of him and all of his hard work and self-discipline. He is very inspiring to me, not just physically but in every other area as well. He always reminds me to love life, enjoy our children, and be happy and content. I seriously don't know what I would do without him in my life. He is my rock. In June, he competed in an adventure race. It was a 4 mile run, 8 or 9 mile bike ride and a couple miles kayaking. He did so wonderful!!! The girls and I went and watched him race. He ended up getting 5th place in the male division. I was actually going to do the race with him but backed out once I found out I was pregnant and would most definitely be too sick to race. In September, he is going on his second annual Moab trip with his cousin and good friend from Chattanooga to mountain bike and camp for 4 days. To say he is excited would be a huge understatement.

Life is great. Although we still miss all the many good friends we have made in all the places we've lived over the last thirteen years of marriage, we are loving Texas. We love living near family and getting together with our siblings and their kids pretty regularly. There is nothing better than to see our kids making so many wonderful memories with their cousins, aunts, and uncles. We don't know how long we'll be in Texas, but we are enjoying the time we have. We are also all super excited to add one more final addition to our family the week before Christmas. Everyone, except Hailey, is hoping for a boy. But, either way, we will be so grateful for another little Mann.

Missing My Therapy Sessions

Blogging is therapy for me and lately I have been horrible about it, so I think I really need to dig back in because over the last week or so I have had tons of thoughts swirling around my mind. Thoughts and feelings that I need to get out so that I can release them, deal with them, and for some, even celebrate in them. But first, I must start with the horrible feeling that I had in the pit of my stomach for the majority of the day yesterday. On Monday night, someone broke into our Expedition. They broke the window (which will now cost us $500 to replace...and yes that is our deductible...ugh!)and stole Cory's new sound system that he just had installed about two months ago. But, the worst part is that they stole the new camera Cory got me for Christmas, which had all of Cloey's baptism pictures on it. I cannot even tell you how heart broken I am about that. Cory called the police and they did a DNA test on the blood that was on the front seat from breaking the glass, but more than likely, we will probably never know who did it. About two years ago, my sister's house was broken into. I remember afterwards her telling me how invaded she felt and how hard it was for their family. I now understand to a small degree what that feels like. Our Expedition was parked out in our driveway AND the worst part was that our garage door opener was in there. What if they'd come into our home?! It is a horrible thought and I'm so so so grateful it didn't happen, but it is still really scary to think about. Yesterday, when I went grocery shopping, I found myself looking around at people in the store wondering if they were the type of person who would do something so horrible. I hate the fact that I was even having those thoughts. I hate how the longer I live, the more skeptical I feel that I have to be of those around me. I hate looking at others through a lens of doubt, fear, and judgement. When the girls got home from school, I explained to them what had happened. Cloey just cried. I debated about whether I had made the right choice by telling them. But, then I realized I had as she said, "well maybe it was a good thing. As the robber looks at the pictures from my baptizm, maybe he'll realize that he wants his little girl to be baptized as well." I didn't tell her that I seriously doubted he would look at the pictures, in fact, I'm sure he threw the memory card away first thing. Instead, I just let her humble childlike love and forgiveness heal my skeptical angry heart. Later that evening, Katelund, Cloey, and I decided to pray for that man. We prayed that he would come to know how wrong it was to steal. We prayed that at some point and in some way that he would seek and find forgiveness through Jesus Christ and that he would change his life. After our prayer, Cloey once again spoke the words of an angel as she said, "maybe he just really needed to sell our stuff to get (I inserted the word "drugs" here in my mind) money for his family." Maybe she's right, or maybe I was right, but really it doesn't matter. Through this experience I was able to remember that we have a choice in everything. We can choose to let bad things harden our hearts and skew our vision of the world, or we can choose to see the good, even when it may be hard to. We can choose to see the good, or believe in the good within people, even when all we see with our human eyes is the bad. The choice is and always will be ours to make. I choose to see the good, especially the good within the little angels that live in my home. How is it that out of the mouth of such inexperienced babes, come words that can not only heal a heart but also make everything in the world right once again. Every prayer that we have prayed ever since then, Katelund and Cloey have both prayed for this man. Then when the girls overheard me talking about the window costing $500 to fix, they told me that we didn't have to worry about $26 of it because together they could use all their money to cover that much. :) I once heard that your children will teach you much more than you ever learned from your parents. It is hard to believe this because my parents taught me so much, and still continue to. But, somehow children have the capacity to break through the hardened walls that build up through our time on earth. They remind us what is important, how to forgive, how to be selfless, and most importantly, they teach us how to love.

Lessons from Nature

As I was bike riding the other day, I passed this tree that was totally being overtaken by the purple wisteria vine growing next to it. I remember the very first time I saw a purple wisteria vine in North Carolina. I remember thinking how beautiful it was and how southern it looked. But then I did some research to find out what it was called and learned about how deadly these vines can be. They wrap themselves around other trees and eventually take over and kill the tree. What starts out as a beautiful harmless purple-flowering vine can end up deadly. Isn't this so symbollic of sin? I often wonder what little seemingly harmless sins are beginning to wrap themselves around my heart, sins of omission or comission that are needing to be cut down and eliminated from my life. I think the purple wisteria vine is the most symbollic of pride. Pride is such a universal sin and is found everywhere and is at the root of most sins. I frequently have to repent of pride in my life. I hate it. I hate it when I recognize it in myself and feel so ashamed by thoughts or actions that are driven from pride. Just like the wisteria vine, we must daily cut ourselves free of the sins that if left alone, will eventually destroy us.

Falling in Love All Over Again

Have you ever heard the quote that goes something like this, "A good marriage is about falling in love over and over again with the same person." I think I totally butchered that but I saw it on pinterest or facebook awhile back and LOVED it because I have told Cory for years that there are certain things that he does that make me fall in love with him all over again. One of those things is when he swims the butterfly stroke across a pool...HOLY COW does my heart melt!!! But, the other week I think he topped it. I walked into our bedroom to find him riding the trainer (for his daily second workout) while he was reading his scriptures on his ipad. Yep, the sparks of love where flying everywhere! :)

Daddy's Girls

Why do we only have girls? Ummm, it's because my husband is the best father of daughters EVER!!!!!

Keeley

Did I ever post about how we got a dog last November? Well, our dog days have come to an end. A couple of weeks ago while we were at the park, she somehow got out of our locked fence and ran away. My girls are all broken-hearted and ask about her every single day. I hope that she is safe and being taken care of, but honestly, not having a dog is amazing! That sounds so horrible! I guess I'm just not really a dog person. She was a lot of fun but SO MUCH WORK and more mess than I wanted to clean up. So, it's sad, but also okay. I hope my girls never read this confession. They would never forgive me for saying such a horrible thing. :)

Spring Soccer

We decided to do another soccer season since we had so much fun last fall. Cory is coaching the team again and they are actually a lot better this time around, but we are still waiting to actually win a game. :) Cory loves the time he spends with the girls going to and from practice twice a week plus games on Saturdays, but it is definitely a sacrifice for him. Also for me since I really hardly get to watch the games because I'm chasing a 3 year old and 1 year old around EVERYWHERE the ENTIRE TIME! Man, the things we do for our children, right?! :)

Mud Run

A couple of Saturdays ago, I ran in a 5K Mud Run/Obstacle Course Race. It was SO MUCH FUN!!!! I did it with my good friend Amanda. She lives on the street behind us and her daughter and Cloey are inseperable. The funny thing is that Amanda and I were in YWs together until I moved when I was 14, pretty crazy, right?! Ya, she's one of my closest friends here and I love her like crazy!! I also LOVED being covered head to toe in mud. I think it was actually one of those things that I have always secretly wanted to experience. I will definitely have to do another one someday.

Growing Up

This year has been a great year for Katelund. She has grown up so much!! She's developing so many talents and skills and loving every second of it. Some of the things she's been involved with are....piano lessons (which she actually LOVES, unlike her sister), announcements at school, safety patrol, all district honor choir (she tried out and was one of about 14 kids who made it from her school), art exhibit at the high school (she has always been my little artist), and soccer. She also has really loved school this year. Her teacher has A LOT to do with that. He has been perfect for her!! The picture on the top was one she showed me about a month ago. She had been waiting in the office for me to pick her up after safety patrol. While she was in there, a certain boy, who she apparently has a big crush on, came in to wait for his mother as well. So, she did what any 4th grade girl would do, took out her itouch and discreetly take a picture!!!! WHAT?!?!?!?!? I laughed so hard when she showed me the picture and told me the story. My daughter is a STALKER!!! Just kidding. But, a little scary, right?!

Park Pics

Cousin Fun

A couple of weeks ago, I was so blessed to see four of my neices and nephews in one day. Katie came down and spent the day with us and then later that afternoon, Brittney brought Landon and Kylin over to spend the weekend with us. My girls were in heaven!!!! Hailey is STILL talking about Kylin every single day! :) She thought she was the coolest thing ever!! It was really funny how she followed her around everywhere she went. She also loves Callie. It us seriously the best thing ever to live so close to family.

Young Women Fun

Can I just say how much I LOVE my laurels???!!!! They are so much fun!!!! Being a laurel advisor over these eight girls has got to be the BEST calling in the whole ward. Five of them will be moving on this summer to college and/or missions. I will miss them TERRIBLY!!!! We have had such a blast with all of the activities we've done over the last year. I have served with the youth for the last eight years (except for one year in there when I was the visiting teaching coordinator...which I LOVED!!). I have grown and learned so much from them. I am constantly amazed by their strength, determination, and desire to live righteously and to be different from the trends of the world. I know that at some point I will serve elsewhere, but for now, I am soaking it all in and loving every minute of it. Maybe, just maybe, it will help me with the four teenage girls I will be raising in the near future. Oh, the top pictures are from New Beginnings a couple months back. I was in charge of decorating (which I LOVED doing). I actually ended up putting pom poms all along the front of the stage as well, it ended up looking way better than these pics, but these pics are all I took. The theme was "Putting Our Soles in Holy Places". We had eight girls be models for the eight values. Each model would wear shoes that were the color of the value. As they walked down the runway, another young women was her MC. She had prepared a little speech to explain how that particular young women stood for her value in her life. The girls did such a GREAT job!!!! It was a great night!

My thoughts while running on the morning after the Boston Marathon bombing....

This morning I ran hard. I ran faster than I've ran in a long time. I ran and I cried as I thought of those who were effected by the bombs at the Boston Marathon yesterday. Really, we should all be effected. Why someone would feel that it is a good idea to kill and injure innocent people, is beyond me. But then again, isn't it us a society who pays millions of dollars each year to make and watch more and more movies, video games, and television shows that are consumed with violence? How can we be so shaken when we are really the ones doing it to ourselves? I cried as I thought about the wickedness that surrounds us and about the injustice, intolerance, and indecency that is taking over our world. I thought of my experience in the store last night where two adult men had a conversation in the checkout line filled with vulgarity and foul language right in front of me and another woman. I felt so disrespected and so upset. I literally had to bite my tongue to keep myself from being rude and yet, this morning, I wish I had just opened my mouth and let it come out. Our society wants women to be treated fairly and to be guaranteed their "rights" of insignificant things like wearing pants to church and and yet we are okay with the disrespect that is shown all around us as women appear practically naked on the covers of magazines in the check out lines? Why do so many women want to be like men anyways? If I had to work I would, not because of a need to be important or successful but because it would be a necessity in order to help provide for my family. I'm so grateful I don't have to work so that I can stay at home with my little ones. I feel so blessed to live in the bubble world that I create within the walls of my home. Sometimes as Cory leaves for work in the morning I feel a little envious as I look around at the disaster that is mine to clean and the children who are crying for food and attention, but then I remember. I remember that this is my work to do and my part to play. I wouldn't want it any other way. I am a partner with my husband in raising a righteous family and creating a Christ-centered home. There are no "rights" that I feel I deserve or are entitled to because we are a team and we each do the best at the parts we have been born to do. As I ran this morning and thought of these things, I also thought of the blessing and gift of a healthy fully functioning body. I felt invigorated as I ran even harder and felt so much gratitude for such a priceless and merciful gift. It is so sad to me to see people who abuse, neglect, or treat their bodies as a canvas to be put on display for all to see. Part of the reason I run, is to show gratitude and care to the body I have been blessed with. Is it perfect? Absolutely not. But someday it will be and until then I feel it is my responsibility to keep it as pure and undefiled as I can. Near the end of my run, a song came on that almost brought me to my knees. I have been going through all the conference talks again over the last week's worth of running and bike riding. I usually skip through the songs but this time I didn't. I listened and I ran even harder. As a ran, the saltiness of my tears and sweat ran down my cheeks and into my mouth. My crying turned into sobs as the words spoke directly to my soul. The message in this beautiful hymn became a balm for my bleeding heart. It was exactly what I needed to hear. Exactly what the Lord knew I needed to hear as my thoughts of sadness, despair, and frustration turned to hope, peace, and joy. Come, come, ye saints, no toil nor labor fear; But with joy wend your way. Though hard to you this journey may appear, Grace shall be as your day. Tis better far for us to strive Our useless cares from us to drive; Do this, and joy your hearts will swell - All is well! All is well! Why should we mourn or think our lot is hard? 'Tis not so; all is right. Why should we think to earn a great reward If we now shun the fight? Gird up your loins; fresh courage take. Our God will never us forsake; And soon we'll have this tale to tell- All is well! All is well! And should we die before our journey's through, Happy day! All is well! We then are free from toil and sorrow, too; With the just we shall dwell! But if our lives are spared again To see the Saints their rest obtain, Oh, how we'll make this chorus swell- All is well! All is well! So today, I will gird up my loins and fresh courage take as I continue on in the fight for good. Someday we will all have a tale to tell and whether that tale ends triumphantly or not, depends on what we do today. Who knows what will happen tomorrow, but if I live the very best I can today, than I need not fear because I know that my God, our God, will "never us forsake" and eventually all will be well because good will always prevail.

The email I just sent to the store Spencer's

This morning I drove by your store at our local outdoor mall. I could not believe the pictures that were being displayed through the windows. They are completely inappropriate. Two doors down from your store is a Justice, which is where my 7 and 9 year old like to shop. I definitely do not want them, or any other pre-teen for that matter, to see the pornographic pictures on your store as they innocently walk by. In fact, I don't want my husband to see those pictures either, or myself for that matter. I understand that you have the choice about what you choose to sell in your store (although I think that it is absolutely disgusting and perverted the way that you choose to sell sex through your items), but I have the choice to not purchase from your store or even step foot in the door. But, on the other hand, I do not feel that it is okay or acceptable for you to post such immodest and inappropriate pictures of women for any and all passersby to see. All that I'm asking is for a little more respect for those who still believe and value virtue. I would appreciate your consideration of my concerns and for less revealing pictures in the windows of your store. Thank you, Melissa

Things I'm LOVING lately...

1. The blossoming trees (especially my very favorite tree...the Tulip Tree!!!!) I've actually only seen two Tulip Trees so far but I was SO EXCITED to see that they grow here. I LOVE them SO SO SO much!!!2. homemade granola. Thanks to my very favorite recipe blog EVER (www.thesisterscafe.com)!!!!3. preparing for the adventure race with Cory. It is so nice to be training again for something. I'm loving the running and biking trade-off each day. It keeps it exciting.4. CONFERENCE IS COMING!!!!! My favorite thing EVER!!!5. I'm loving the idea of getting back into sewing. Ever since I was with Jenae, I have been wanting to get my sewing machine back out. I've got all sorts of ideas. 6. I love that the weather this week is going to be AMAZING!!!!!7. I love that it is almost time to mow the lawn again. I don't know why, but I love mowing our lawn. I love the smell. I love the alone time. I love the green freshly cut grass.8. I love that I get to go to Youth Conference this weekend and girls camp this summer. I just love the youth!9. I'm loving the smell of the detergent I just bought at Costco. Have you ever used All? I haven't. But it was on sale and I'm so glad it was. It smells amazing.10. It is Spring Break this week! I love having all my children home. I love that I don't have to make school lunches. I love that we can do whatever we want, whenever we want to. I love that I'll get to spend time with my sisters and my nieces and nephew. I love that it is going to be sunny and beautiful each and everyday and we'll spend most of our time outdoors. So today I've got to get everything clean so that I can play the rest the week. YAY for SPRING!!!!!

The Main Thing

Last week I went to a FANTASTIC Relief Society meeting. It was given by a family and marriage therapist. She said so many many things that just really resonated with me. I was so so SO grateful that I went and I have been thinking about it ever since. Here are a couple things that spoke to my heart... 1. The most important relationship in this world is with your spouse. I know this but sometimes in the drama and busyness of raising four daughters, it is good to be reminded. I cannot even begin to say how much I love Cory. It just sounds so cheesy when I say it but it is so true. Are there things he does that drive me bonkers sometimes? Of course. But, they are so inconsequential when compared to all the many things that he does and says that are so RIGHT and perfect. In just the last two days, we have had a number of conversations where I have vented or been concerned about something and somehow he completely says EXACTLY what I needed to hear. He lives so close to the spirit and so often our ideas and thoughts seem to connect and be on the exact same page. I will be thinking about something we should be doing better at and he will come home with almost the EXACT idea. He's amazing like that. It probably helps that he listens to more general conference talks each day than anyone I've ever met. He listens to them when he rides his bike or runs at lunch. He listens to them in his office. He listens to them in the car. Have I mentioned how amazing he is? One of my favorite parts of the day is in the afternoon after he eats lunch, he will usually always call me and see how I'm doing that day and what I'm up to. I look forward to his phone call everyday. I look forward to the kiss that I get the moment he walks in the door. Yesterday morning, he woke up really early to finish preparing for his lesson at church. As he got out of bed, I commented about how cold I was and then went back to sleep. The next thing I know, he was layering blankets on me that he had pulled out of the closet. Then he went and warmed up a heating pack for me to put under the sheets for added warmth. How sweet is that?!! When I married him at 19 years old, I really had no idea the man I was getting. It hasn't happened over night and we have definitely had our hard times and major STRETCHING years, but without those experiences, we wouldn't be where we are today. Marriage is hard work and it is something that has to be worked on EVERY SINGLE day. I am and will be FOREVER grateful that he is the one that I get to learn and grow with and spend eternity with. 2. The importance of spending time and giving one-on-one attention to your children. I got so much out of this part. So I have been trying to implement a couple of things that really stuck out to me. One of those was being a good listener. The other day when Katelund came home from school she started talking to me all about her day. Instead of continuing to clean or do whatever I was doing, I stopped and looked directly at her as she was talking. After a couple of seconds, she stopped and looked at me with a really weird look and said, "Mom, what are you doing? You're freaking me out." We both laughed about it after I explained to her what I was doing. It was really funny, but also kindof sad. I need to be a better listener. 3. The importance of not having a critical voice. For every 1 negative thing you say to your children or spouse, you should have 5 positives. I love this idea! As a mother, it is way too easy to have too much of a critical voice. Children and husbands have enough critics, we need to be their greatest cheerleaders. Of course there are times when teaching and correcting is vital, but there is also a right and wrong way to do it. 4. The importance of eliminating and/or controlling distractions (i.e. social media, email, etc...). I am really trying to be better about not always having to have my phone with me. If I miss a phone call, oh well!!! I will call later. If I miss some exciting news on Facebook, oh well! I am determined to not let technology consume my life. It is so easy to get trapped in and so liberating to just let it go and be unavailable to everyone except the ones that matter the most to me, the ones that are right in front of my face. 5. One of my new favorite quotes by Steven Covey..... "The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing."

Chattanooga